Your Divorce Compass

Facing Divorce with a Special Needs Child

2010-11-29T22:35:00.000-08:00

Recently I was in a collaborative association meeting where the discussion turned toward the special benefits that mediation and collaborative divorce offer to families with special needs children by reducing the time, financial costs, and stress on parents and children alike and what a necessary approach an "out of court divorce" is for them. For those of you with special needs children, you know that extra care is put into every decision you make regarding your child. And while the needs of a special needs child is not much different than other children during divorce, there is a greater need for consistent, scheduled, predictable parenting time; reducing stressors; minimizing parental conflict; and a hypervigilence to attentive parenting during this time. No one knows this better than Kristyn Crow who has been where you are. Here are her words of advice reposted from www.families.com (http://special-needs.families.com/blog/divorced-with-a-special-needs-child). Thanks Kristyn!

Facing Divorce, with a Special Needs Child by Kristyn Crow

There is no question that having a child with a disability is a tremendous source of stress for any couple. What was once a carefree romantic relationship turns into a painful, confusing, emotional rollercoaster, at least for a time. Sometimes one partner decides he or she wants off the ride. And this leaves a tremendous burden on the spouse left behind.

When Reality Hit Me...Hard

I found myself in this situation. I'll never forget sitting across from my then-husband as he announced, "It's time for you to move on with your life." I looked down at my seven-month pregnant belly, and considered my three little boys, ages eight and younger, who were sleeping at Grandma's house. My first son had recently been diagnosed with juvenile diabetes, and my second son had just been diagnosed with autism. My third boy was born with a cataract in his eye, which caused doctors to question whether all three had some sort of genetic syndrome. My unborn child would be here in just a few months, and now my husband was leaving. How on earth would I move on with my life?

It takes two to have a divorce, and I'm sure that my pessimistic, worried nature didn't help create a pleasant mood in our home. I became consumed with medical issues-- those of my boys, and also my own, as I suffered a stress-related illness. I wasn't a perfect companion and I didn't really have the tools or support I needed to cope with these challenges, which seemed to hit me all at once. My greatest regret is that I did not have more courage. Still, I find it highly irresponsible for anyone to abandon a spouse in this predicament. My life, which had already become quite difficult, suddenly was a whole lot harder.

My Advice...

What advice would I give to someone going through a divorce while parenting a special needs child? Here are a few things I would strongly suggest:

1. If there is any way to salvage your marriage, SALVAGE it. Your child has enough chaos and adversity already, without having the added confusion of trading parents back and forth, or losing one parent entirely. Imagine the frustration for a child who relies on consistency, like an autistic child, to suddenly have to switch environments every few days. Not a secure situation. Your child, especially a special needs child, will benefit greatly from your marriage enduring. For tips on improving your marriage, see my blog, "Keeping Your Marriage Strong While Raising a Special Needs Child."

2. You cannot do this without help. You've got to find family members, friends, counselors, social workers, neighbors, people who attend your church, or anyone else available to you for support. If contacting people seems overwhelming, get your closest friend or family member to start the process. Contact that individual and say, "I need your help. This is what I need..." and be clear. Ask this person to make some calls for you. See my blog, "Finding Support: Parents of Special Needs Children" for more specific advice.

3. As hurt and heartbroken as you may feel, do not purposely limit your child's contact with the other parent. Unless there is addiction, abuse, or an unsafe situation, your child needs frequent contact with his other parent, for his own emotional well-being. It's incredibly painful to drop off your son or daughter with your former spouse. I know this all too well. But you will have to be strong for the sake of your child. For the first several weeks, I set-up visits with my friends each time my boys went with their father. It helped knowing I would not be alone.

4. Immediately make this chaotic time as structured as possible for your child. Set-up specific, reliable visitation dates. Keep drop off points at the same place each time. Create a routine. Provide a comfort object for your child to take with him on all visits. Make your child a calendar with the visitation schedule clearly marked, and let her cross off each day, so she can predict her visitations in advance.

5. Do not argue in front of your child. Do whatever you can to keep his life peaceful and as uncomplicated as possible. If necessary, get a mutual friend or acquaintance to accompany you to visitation drop offs, to limit any hostilities.

6. Have faith, courage, and hope. Trust me; I could not have imagined a worse scenario for my life. It seemed like all was lost. But life has a tendency to eventually turn the tables. You just have to be patient, and keep doing what's right. Focus on your child, but also nurture yourself. I've found that karma, fate, or destiny (whatever you choose to call it) will eventually reward these efforts.

Making 'Cents' for Your Children When Divorced

2010-09-23T10:49:00.000-07:00

This is reposted. Here is the link to the original and more information related to the topic.

http://community.careonecredit.com/b/life_challenges/archive/2010/09/23/making-cents-for-your-children-when-divorced.aspx

For those divorcing who have kids, there can be considerable anger between the parents. Unfortunately the ones who suffer the most from this anger are the children. The emotional toll divorce can take on children is well-documented and alarming. I have seen the effects first hand; I am a divorced father of one, a re-married stepparent of four, and even am a child of divorce myself. Just as impactful, and a facet of the emotional impact, are the financial changes that many children endure as part of the divorce process. Through my considerable experience in dealing with children and divorce, I have some tips to help parents who are facing divorce on how to mitigate those financial impacts so that your children are not the ones paying the price.
Document Your Child Support Expenses (depending on if you are providing or receiving said support)
Child support is a hot button topic for divorced parents, no surprise; we are talking about money, which is one of the leading causes of divorce. The parent providing child support is often suspicious or critical of how the payments are being utilized for their children. The parent receiving the payments is typically concerned that the amount is insufficient to cover the myriad of expenses that come with having kids. Although you may never solve these perceptions, you can take a proactive approach to documenting the expenses like you would a budget. Take the time to clearly identify each expense covered by that child support payment. Having your ex see how this money is being applied to the children's needs can help diffuse some of that tension. Plus, it's just a good idea to document everything. Sometimes things are just contentious and documentation is the court's best friend.
Your Divorced Future Together
Recognize that if you have children, despite divorce, you and your ex-spouse still share a future together and this future needs to be planned for. Divorced parents often think only in terms of child support and nothing beyond the age of 18. That is a problem because so many expenses parents incur extend long beyond 18. I am talking about college, weddings, cars, home ownership, grandchildren, and the not-so-happy things like illness, car accidents...inexplicable life events. Think about these things now, not later, and come up with a plan for how you both will contribute toward said expenses, or how you want to manage them. Perhaps for your daughter's wedding you will split vendors and location, or maybe for college you will each pay two years. Obviously this is dependant on your respective financial situations, but be prepared to talk about the future.
Two homes that should feel like home
Work together to ensure that your children have all of their essentials in both of your homes. Make sure that you communicate which brands they prefer; you may even want to consider for the younger ones, replicating bedroom sets and related items. This may seem a pricey extravagance, but it goes a long way to providing some consistency for your children. Bouncing from one parent to the other can be disconcerting enough without having to adjust to completely different everything. Some replicated creature comforts can go a long way for helping kids settle in each of their 'homes.'
Divorced parents often feel more sensitive about their parenting. There is a guilt that can creep around in the back of your mind about whether your choices have damaged your offspring. Although not on my list above, another tip is to be kind to yourself. You have not failed your kids just because your marriage may have failed. Married or divorced, parenting is tough work and you need to remember that the most important thing you can do is to love your kids and appreciate the time you have with them as 'kids.'
Do you have concerns about how to protect your kids through a divorce? Have you mastered some tips that help you and your ex-spouse work together on behalf of your children? I can use all the help I can get, so share your tips in the comments below!
Here are some great resources for divorced parents:
http://www.radicalparenting.com/2008/05/15/6-unique-strategies-for-divorced-families/
http://www.childcentereddivorce.com/
http://www.apparenting.com/
http://lifeafterdivorce.wordpress.com/
More from the Divorce & Debt Series:
Divorce & Debt: An Introduction to a new Series
Divorce & Debt - Divorced and re-entering the workforce???
Mark Kline
Mark is a Ph.D. candidate in Clinical Psychology from Indiana University. Mark is also a swim coach, father, and stepfather to four children. Feel free to ask Mark about the effect of divorce on children and how to deal with divorce and financial hardship.

Parenting: Making Joint Custody Work

2010-09-16T12:13:00.000-07:00

Parenting: Tips for Successful Co-Parenting

2010-09-16T12:10:00.000-07:00

Parenting After Divorce

2010-09-16T12:07:00.000-07:00

Should You Hire an Attorney?

2010-08-21T15:41:00.000-07:00

The question "Should you hire attorney?" implies a very important truth: You have a choice. In my counseling and mediation practice, I specialize in divorce issues. I see many clients in recovery from the court process. The court process leaves people and families badly broken at best, and more often, traumatized or destroyed. There is a inevitable rebuilding process after completing a court case.

There also is a misconception that family court is a kinder court. That it doesn't resemble the criminal court we watch on television. It is not a kinder process than criminal court just because it has family in the name of the court. I have seen otherwise normal functioning children and adults develop outrageous symptoms of obsessive-compulsive disorders, self-mutilation, rage and the like during the family court process only to have those exact symptoms quickly subside when the adults make a mutual decision to release their attorneys and continue the divorce process outside of court.

I know your family and friends are telling you to get a lawyer. They definitely don't know what to do to help you and so they are advising you without enough information. As well-intentioned and loving as they are, their advice for you to go to court and nail your spouse for the ways you have been wronged and to protect yourself is misguided and uninformed. Remember, they do not work with divorce every day. They have not seen countless cases of divorce. In reality, if you go to court, you will be on trial for every way your spouse feels s/he has been wronged.

When it comes to divorce, mediation is the best kept secret out there. If you still aren't convinced, this side-by-side comparison found at www.divorcewizards.com shows you what to expect. And this is not an exaggeration. For every wrong you want to have done to your spouse, it will be done to you as well in court. Court is a battle, a boxing match. It is eye for an eye until one of you is down for the count. After reading this, if you or your spouse still want an attorney, bring a collaborative lawyer with you to mediation, but stay out of court.

See Also: Children 'biggest losers' in Family Court, Says Judge http://www.theepochtimes.com/n2/content/view/14678/

If You Litigate Your Divorce	If You Mediate Your Divorce
Your combined attorney's fees will be approximately $30,000 or more. You pay for discovery, delays, trials, countless phone conversations between the attorneys.	Your combined mediation fees, review by consulting attorney, and paperwork preparation may be less than $5000.
The outcome will be decided by a judge or commissioner.	The outcome will be determined by you and your spouse.
Your attorney will negotiate property and custody issues for you. You will be advised not to communicate directly with your spouse.	With the help of a neutral mediator, you will problem solve property and custody issues to design an agreement that works for you and your family.
All the filed declarations where you and your spouse make accusations against each other to gain advantage are public records available to anyone to view, even years later by your children and grand children.	There are no filed declarations making accusations against each other. You maintain your good reputation. Mediation is a confidential process where decisions are made in a private conference room.
If custody is contested, the court will probably appoint a lawyer for your children and the lawyer will probably insist upon invasive psychological evaluations of the family.	The two of you will determine what's in the best interests of your children.
The Court will determine when you have custody of your children.	You can try out various parenting plans to see if they work. You can modify the plans as your children get older without returning to Court.
The Division of Property will be based on: 1. How aggressive your lawyer is compared to the other lawyers 2. The mood the judge is in 3. Prescribed court schedules 4. Whether you or your spouse has more stamina for battle.	Mediators help you negotiate a fair settlement.
Your divorce will follow the timetable determined by the needs of attorneys and the court.	You decide how fast or slow you want the process to proceed.
You and/or your spouse may not feel committed to the results be-cause of a lack of participation in the process, bitterness fostered during the proceedings, or lack of fairness in the result.	Child support, spousal support and parenting plans are more likely to be maintained when mutually decided.
Even the most poised, self assured individuals can find themselves one of the walking wounded after experiencing a day of the antagonistic debilitating and emotionally draining experience of watching your spouse and yourself being torn to shreds in court.	You will maintain your dignity. You will experience the challenge of working with your spouse to make the best of a bad situation. If you can't save the marriage, save the divorce.

Adapted from articles written by Royce Orleans Hurst, Esq. of the Law and Mediation offices of Royce Orleans Hurst, Newport Beach, Ca.

How To Be Alone

2010-08-08T15:37:00.000-07:00

Falling Apart in One Piece: A Book Review

2010-06-10T01:17:00.000-07:00

Trying to justify reading a book out in the Alaska sun as "working" (I am a divorce mediator), I added "Falling Apart in One Piece" by Stacy Morrison to my Nook and set out for the sun. The book is a memoir described as "one optimist's journey through the hell of divorce."

The candid account and insight of Morrison's journey through divorce makes this is a read for any person affected by divorce. The divorcing couple themselves, family members of the divorcing couple, friends of the divorcing couple, and coworkers of the divorcing couple will all find themselves in the book and come to the end better equipped with empathy, support and insight to be there for themselves and those experiencing divorce.

The author fully pulled me into her experience and left me with a few key pearls of wisdom. Mainly, that regardless of career and financial success, we are all human and vulnerable to the devastation of relationship break-ups. Not only is the content valuable, but Morrison's writing style is captivating which makes for a quick and powerful read. Enjoy!

OTHER REVIEWS:
“I loved the tone of this honest, thoughtful memoir: heartbreaking and real, without the slightest hint of self-pity.”
—ELIZABETH GILBERT, AUTHOR OF EAT, PRAY, LOVE AND COMMITTED

“Stacy Morrison's memoir is as sweet as it is sad, both honest as an anvil and full of genuine hope. Morrison's buoyant prose and hard-earned wisdom make the mess and roar of love, however difficult, all seem worthwhile.”
—Karen Karbo, author of The Stuff of Life: A Daughter's Memoir

“I loved it. Raw, wonderful, honest, brash, truth-telling—Falling Apart in One Piece is a story about learning to let go and come to terms with the journey of life. It is a book for anyone whose life has just taken an unexpected turn and who needs to be reminded that not only can they be happy again, but that the human spirit is capable of great resilience.”
—Lee Woodruff, author of Perfectly Imperfect: A Life in Progress

The DOs and DON'Ts of Divorce Mediation

2010-05-01T12:01:00.000-07:00

#1 Don't:

Involve a Combative Attorney's Approach to Your Case. Working with an aggressive attorney, sometimes known as a "bomber," who has convinced you that mediation will fail to produce an agreement that won't be as good as what they could get you in court and then trying to bring that mentality and strategy into mediation is a major "Don't." If you or your spouse consults with or hires a lawyer like this, (common if your spouse is angry and wants to use the divorce as a way of obtaining revenge), you are at high risk of spending loads of expensive, comparatively unproductive time in court or mediation.

#1 Do:

Choose Mediation Only. Decide whether you are committed to mediation or going to court. Factor in variables such as cost, outcome probability, and emotional impact of each. You can buy what you want in court, but it may not be worth it once you subtract all the fees and emotional costs to you and your children. When you choose mediation, trust that process and fully commit to it. That means throwing out the information you may have acquired from the "bomber" attorney. If you are unsure of your rights at all, definitely seek consultation from an attorney, but one that is a collaborative professional or one referred by your mediator.

#1 Bottom Line: The kind of attorney you seek counsel from makes all the difference between being helpful or harmful to your mediation. When you enter a settlement negotiation like mediation, you are forfeiting your best case and worst case scenario and so is your spouse. Instead, you are creating a strong, needs-based, realistic agreement that meets both of your interests and most of all, your children's.

#2 Don't:

Be a Bully or a Victim. If you have a history of intimidating or being intimidated as a matter of self-preservation in the marriage and as a result have a "win-lose" dynamic set up in your marriage, mediation can be tough. This means that you two will fight to the "death" which is defined by someone losing and someone winning. In cases like these, negotiation can be a waste of time unless you approach it differently.

#2 Do:

Get Support. Work with a divorce coach or counselor to prepare for your mediations sessions. For bullies, this will help you prepare how to say what you want more effectively to win without hurting future relationships with the other parent and also help you to identify areas where you could compromise as well as deal with the feelings of losing when you do. For victims, coaching can help you know clearly what you want and what you are willing to give up so you can have peace of mind that you did speak up and ask. A skilled mediator can overcome this hurdle so be sure to address this dynamic before you hire your mediator.

#2 Bottom Line: You need to get support from a counselor or divorce coach during your mediation to obtain results that will give you peace of mind.

#3 Don't:

Withhold Communication. Being uncommunicative and uncooperative with the process will only make the process more painful. Maybe you're hurt. Or maybe you can't stop thinking you could get more in court. Or maybe you are so angry that you just clam up. Whatever the reason, mediation requires communication.

#3 Do:

Deal With the Emotions of the Divorce. This is happening. You are getting divorced. Stop. Just sit in that for a moment. What emotion begins to well up in you? Sadness? Anger? It's time to face the reality that divorce is one of the most difficult things you will go through in your life. Get support. Work with a counselor or coach. A skilled mediator will slow the pace of the mediation to adjust to your emotional needs and a good divorce coach will be able to accelerate the pace you are able to mediate by translating your emotional needs into action.

#3 Bottom Line: Such hurt and angry people are not able to communicate meaningfully. Deal with your emotions with an expert. You hire a doctor to heal your health, hire someone to heal your emotions.

#4 Don't:
Treat This Like a Business Deal. A good number of parties enter a mediation with some negotiation training. While this may lead to confidence, it can be counterproductive to the mediation process. Laying a number down and walking away if it's not accepted is not how you negotiate such delicate matters such as time with the children, your children's home, transportation to work, or the boat that holds future dreams of family and friend bonding. This is your future, not one deal with more to come. This is your family, not an account. They are not pawns in a game.
#4 Do:
Take Care of Your Family and Fight Fair. Flip the saying "It's not personal; it's business" because in divorce negotiation, "It's personal, not business." Again, it is important to trust your mediator in the process because s/he is trained in the negotiation skills that prove to be most effective for divorce. Even if you have that same training, you need to defer and concede to your mediator and follow their lead.
#4 Bottom Line: Don't believe the lie that being wronged or feeling hurt by your spouse is justification for treating them like they are not a human being. We are all human. Mediation addresses the business of divorce and allows for humanness in the process.

#5 Don't:

Have a Hidden Agenda. Your children play house, play video games, and play pretend. You cannot "play mediation." Coming to the mediation table with one face on, but working on another agenda under the table is not an option. This playing may take the form of: hiding assets, being dishonest in answering questions because you have a plan for later, reducing the worth of assets to tip the scales in your favor, saying that a decision is for the kids when really it is for you. If you do this, apologize, come clean and move forward. It was a bad idea and with a skilled mediator, it can be repaired.

#5 Do:

Participate in Good Faith. Be upfront with your needs and interests in the proposals and refusals you make. Be willing to explore why you don't want to accept a proposal and why you won't compromise on what you have proposed. Be honest and a strong, realistic agreement will result. Rely on your mediator. They are trained and know exactly what they are doing.

Be aware that such behavior often stems from a spouse who:

so angry and feeling hate toward the other so much that the wrongdoer will tell any lie or conceal any asset available out of spite
is having an affair with a new lover, especially when that person has experience in business and finance
is so surprised and injured by the idea of a divorce that all revenge has become the only (or main) goal
is so fixated on acquiring wealth that almost anything goes in service of getting a few more dollars.

#5 Bottom Line: Good faith is the basis of mediation. Be expected to lay all your cards on the table. Choose your battles carefully and not for the emotional reasons of revenge, entitlement, spite, or a few more dollars.

Divorce and Separation Options for Same-Sex Couples

2010-04-08T17:36:00.000-07:00

Same-sex couples are commiting their lives to each other and building families every day. However, without the same legal processes in place for those couples as heterosexual couples in building their families, there is also very little law or information on the rights and legal process involved with same-sex divorce or breakups.

Regardless of the lack of information, same-sex couples are similar, if not the same, as heterosexual couples in terms of the issues of divorce. Here are three options for same-sex couples presented by Cathy Meyer at About.com:

1) Do-It-Yourself Divorce. Just as with opposite-sex couples, this would be the least costly way. It maintains the couples privacy and makes the process simple and quick. But, since there is no legally binding contract there is no balance of power. One partner may walk away with more than is his/her right. In a situation like this communication and compromise can be hard if emotions are highly charged.

2) Hire an experienced divorce attorney and collaborate. This way each side would be legally represented which would mean they would have a trained professional to focus on their rights. If emotions are highly charged it would keep communication between partners at a minimum and they would both walk away with a legally binding contractual agreement as to division of property and such issues. This option could get expensive since you would have to consider the cost of an attorney. Since there is no need to file with the courts though, couples would not be faced with that extra expense.

To locate a collaborative professional in your area, go to http://www.collaborativepractice.com/_loc.asp

3) Hire a private mediator. One option would be to hire the services of a professional mediator. The couple would receive experienced guidance but at less expense than an attorney. They would still walk away with a legally binding contract and, within a shorter time span.

To locate a mediator in your area, go to http://www.mediate.com/mediator/search.cfm

Just like heterosexual couples, same sex couples will continue to build lives together and some will find that the relationship will not be forever. How the assets, interests, debts, and parenting of the partnership are distributed requires careful thought and consideration of any options that exist.

Let's Collaborate!

2010-03-07T21:33:00.000-08:00

There are so many factors in divorce to worry about once you enter the arena. The decisions can seem endless: the children, the taxes, the finances, the furniture, the house, the cars, the snowmachines, the checking accounts, the property up North, the holidays, the weekends, vacations, spousal maintenance, child support, and the list goes on and on. It can be incredibly overwhelming for the most capable person.
One option available to divorcing couples that want to stay out of court is to have a team of divorce professionals that work together to support and guide you through the divorce process. This approach includes attorneys, mental health professionals, financial professionals, divorce coaches, child specialists, and any other professionals needed to address the issues in your divorce. For more information about collaborative practice visit the following links:

http://www.collaborativepractice.com/

http://www.alaskacollaborative.org/
Watch this video about Collaborative Divorce in Alaska:
http://www.anchorlaw.com/collab_video.html

Mediation to Stay Married

2009-12-02T13:27:00.000-08:00

Marriage is not perfect. In fact, successful marriages “bottom out” at some point and need to be rebuilt. It’s that rebuilding that leads to a better, stronger, more satisfying marriage. At Compass Divorce Center, we have recently had an influx in couples with marriages that have “bottomed out” but aren’t looking for divorce. What is so amazing about these couples is that they are looking for a way out besides divorce. Congratulations to them for exhausting all options! (See "Exhaust All Options" http://divorcecompass.blogspot.com/2009/03/step-1-exhaust-all-options.html).

When a marriage is stressed, many tend to stick their heads in the sand rather than take proactive steps to improve the relationship. In working with divorcing couples, I often hear one spouse say “It’s too late!” Isn’t that just another way of saying: “I am hurting and I am so hurt and exhausted in trying to salvage this relationship that I don’t want to work on it now that you are willing to work on it! Where were you when I needed you?” In counseling divorced clients, I hear, “I wonder what would have happened if I had given him/her the last chance s/he asked for.”

Divorce mediators develop a great deal of perspective and insight into the trappings of conflict in a marriage that lead to a divorce. These insights can be invaluable to a hurting and deteriorating marriage of a couple that hopes to improve their marriage, not just end it. Furthermore, the divorce clients themselves have expressed that mediation taught them how to communicate with their spouse and resolve conflict much more effectively, and that if they were able to engage in the process earlier that the relationship would have benefited and perhaps survived.
As our marriages deteriorate, our fantasy of what marriage is supposed to be seems to grow stronger. We search for the answers to our own incompleteness in our spouse and when we aren’t met with the perfect response, we blame our spouse for not being enough. Not being emotionally supportive enough, not being sexual enough, not being thoughtful enough, not being financially responsible enough, not being helpful with the house or the kids enough! If these are your reasons for having an affair, or your feelings of despair and desperation about your marriage, or the constant fighting, I am here to tell you that you having a real relationship and your fantasy does not exist in another person. It exists in the very person you are married to now as much as it does in the person you have created in your mind, or met at work, or had the affair with. BUT, it needs to be awakened! And this takes deliberate work from both spouses. If your spouse is finally awake and gets that you are serious about leaving the marriage, s/he is awake and now you have something to work with! Now it is up to you to give him/her that last chance.

A developing trend is Mediation to Stay Married, also known as Marital Mediation. To start the process of marital mediation, a couple jointly hires a mediator to assist them in identifying areas of conflict and formulate a mutually agreeable plan to address them. The mediator does not serve as a therapist or lawyer. Throughout the mediation, the parties may consult or continue to work with other supportive professionals, such as financial advisors or mental health providers. At Compass Divorce Center, a mediator and therapist can both partner with the couple and mediation is used for the above goals and the therapy is for working through the emotions, fears, and thoughts that go along with making changes in the marriage and our financial advisor is used as decided upon by the couple.

The goal of marital mediation is to strengthen an existing relationship by addressing areas of conflict that have not been resolved for far too long and now have led to a breaking point in the marriage. Whether the conflicts are financial or agreeing upon parental and household responsibilities, marital mediation works to better communication and creative solutions that work for you as a couple. If the couple wishes, a Marital Agreement can be produced as a written document that may be legally enforceable. Like other types of mediation, marital mediation is voluntary, non-adversarial, and guided by a trained neutral professional.

Mediation also allows couples working to uphold their relationship a comfortable environment that contributes to those efforts. Communication skills and insights learned during mediation sessions can help couples mitigate the patterns of harmful conflict in a relationship. If a couple later decides that divorce in inevitable, the progress made in mediation can serve as the foundation for a divorce agreement, so the process has benefits even if the marriage ends.

Best Divorce Resources

2009-08-04T17:02:00.000-07:00

All of us at Compass Divorce Center have spent many of our summer days enjoying vacations filled with time at the lakes, the beach, hiking, and biking. And when we haven't been vacationing, we have been researching exciting topics for our clients such as: collaborative divorce, co-parenting, language of divorce, books for kids and adults. As a result, this month's blog brings you a "Best Of" list for your own use. Click on the title to take at further look at Amazon.com and maybe you'll find some other "Bests" along the way. If so, we'd love to hear about them at compassdivorce@gmail.com

Best Divorce Book for Divorcing Couples:
1. & Only: The Healthy Divorce: Keys to Ending Your Marriage While Preserving Your Emotional Well-Being by Lois Gold M.S.W.

Best Divorce Books for Kids:
1. When Mom and Dad Divorce:: An Elf-Help Book for Kids (Elf-Help Books for Kids) by Emily Menendez-Aponte and R. W. Alley (recommended for younger kids)
2. Dinosaurs Divorce by Marc Brown and Laurie Krasny Brown (recommended for younger kids)
3. Divorce Is Not the End of the World: Zoe's and Evan's Coping Guide for Kids by Zoe Stern and Evan Stern (recommended for teens)

Best Co-Parenting (and maybe the only)
The Co-Parenting Survival Guide: Letting Go of Conflict after a Difficult Divorce by Elizabeth Thayer Ph.D. and Jeffrey Zimmerman Ph.D.

Best Websites:
1. http://www.uptoparents.org/ A website dedicated to co-parenting and collaborative divorce.
2. http://www.divorce360.com/ Website that addresses all stages of divorce for financial, legal, emotional and children with loads of helpful video clips and resources. Even ecards to notify your friends of your new status that range from humorous to classy.

Best Divorce Recovery:
1. Chicken Soup for the Soul: Divorce and Recovery: 101 Stories about Surviving and Thriving after Divorce by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen, and Patty Hansen

2. Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends, 3rd Edition (Rebuilding Books; For Divorce and Beyond) by Bruce Fisher

Best "Last Ditch Effort to Save Your Marriage"/Reconciliation:
1. The Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage by Michele Weiner Davis

From Under the Rubble of Divorce

2009-07-09T10:28:00.000-07:00

Implosion: a sudden inward collapse
Does this feel like your life right now? If you are divorcing, it likely does. Life as you know it has collapsed directly on top of you and you are feeling the weight of the rubble. All that you have believed to be true is now in question: family, love, trust, marriage, parenting, your religion, your career, your assets, your money. This is pressure like no other you have ever experienced. If only it was an explosion and you were left with the destruction miles away from you and blown to bits, but instead, you are lying under it. Don't despair. You will get out of this alive!

1. Remain calm. Find a way to breathe.Calm yourself long enough to develop a device to allow you to breath under the rubble. Like on the airplane, give air to yourself first, so that you are able to help your children. Give yourself a lifeline. Exercise. Talk with a friend. Get a massage. Play a round of golf. Go for a walk with a friend. Go skiing. Spend more time with family members. The goal here is relief from the divorce. Do something that makes you laugh, smile, and create a determination and belief that you will get out of this situation in one piece. Let in a stream of light to the outside world

2. Get the weight off of you.
There are many ways to remove rubble: Destroy what weighs you down, dig a tunnel and exit, ask others to remove it for you or with you, or seek a professional to remove the rubble to reduce the risk of further injury. Depending on the weight and amount of emotion, your strategy will need to adjust. In divorce, this means: reject the self-doubt, forgive yourself, rediscover who you are, lean on others, ask for help (scream for it if you have to), take the time to uncouple well, seek help from a professional counselor or divorce coach, hire a mediator or attorney to help you navigate the legal process.

3. Dust yourself off. Get a clean bill of health.People that get out from under the rubble inevitably are examined by a physician for any injuries, seen and unseen. In divorce, this translates to seeing a trained professional counselor or coach to assess you for injuries and help you to get back on track in the game of life. If you were underground for 24 hours, you would want a shower and cuts and broken bones to be treated. This is no different. Take care of yourself!

4. Walk on.
No person in an accident resulting in being underground chooses to stay there. Would you? There is no reason for you to return to the live at the site of implosion, bury and retraumatize yourself. In divorce, we do this with our minds. Yes, you will remember the divorce. That's okay. But then, walk on. Time will heal...if you allow it. Don't wait for someone else to fix your life. It's YOUR life.

This is a plan of ACTION. This is not the time to lie down and let the weight of divorce crush you. Get involved in the process.

Help Your Children Manage Divorce Stress

2009-06-22T23:49:00.000-07:00

Kids have stress too! Every day they have tests, peer conflicts and relationships with parents to navigate and with it all, pressure! When you add divorce into the mix, it adds stress to your children's lives, just like it does for you. However, the signs of stress are different from adult symptoms. Below are some excellent resources addressing these signs as well as how divorce affects children and how to help them cope. They are all so good that summarizing them here wouldn't be fair to you, so we've posted them here for your convenience and benefit. Enjoy!

1. Stress - Taking Charge: Helping Children Manage Stress:
http://www.extension.iastate.edu/publications/PM1660F.pdf
This link offers excellent examples of stress in children as well as ways to help them cope with the stress. Definitely a must-read! If you only read one article, make this the one.

2. Childhood Stress:
http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/feelings/stress.html
This gives a general overview of stress in children and ways to help them deal with it.

3. How Divorce Affects Children:
http://emeryondivorce.com/how_divorce_affects_children.php
This addresses some of the problematic effects divorce can have on children.

4. How Divorce Affects Kids:
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2004/06/08/earlyshow/leisure/books/main621798.shtml
This article offers a different perspective than we are used to hearing. It addresses the many surprising positive outcomes of divorce on children as a results of studying the lives of children interviewed when minors and then as adult children of divorce. It's a reminder of how you divorce can make all the difference!

Sources of Stress in Divorce

2009-06-14T20:55:00.000-07:00

Marital separation and divorce can be the most difficult times in an adult's life, but it doesn't have to be that way. By knowing more about where the stress is coming from, you will be better equipped for dealing with it. Experts identify the three main sources of divorce stress.

Reorganization of daily tasks and responsibilities
Divorce calls for a need to restructure the family. Reorganizing the way the family handles chores, finances, parenting roles, and relationships with extended family members and friends can cause great stress. One or both parents take on more responsibility with two homes and finances become stretched, often beyond their means. Parents trial and error their way through parenting the children and agreeing on how to do that can be quite difficult at times.

Loss of significant relationships and possessions
Not everyone divorcing experience loss with the same intensity, in the same way, or at the same time. Some feel the loss when they realize the relationship is ending. Others hang onto the hope that the relationship can be saved until the very end. While others, refuse to address the loss of the relationship and fixate on the loss of possessions and their rights to those possessions. This is all because without even realizing it, many become attached to a home, a certain way of life, the routines, daily access and contact with children and pets, and other details that are often taken for granted until they are no longer there.

Need to establish a new identity as an individual
When separating and divorcing, a need to redefine yourself as an individual is created. The role of wife and husband no longer exist. If children are involved, the label of "single parent" is now a part of your life. Financial needs may force some back to the work force after being a stay-at-home parent or even require a career change to generate a higher income to make up for the loss of a dual-income home.

The following is a list of common behavioral and emotional stress symptoms for divorcing individuals:
Behavioral changes:
crying,
withdrawal from others,
aggression,
substance misuse (drugs, alcohol,tobacco, food),
agitation,
exhaustion,
restlessness,
disrupted sleep,
other emotional changes,
sadness,
guilt,
depression,
anxiety,
tension,
irritability,
fear,
fatigue,
mood swings.

Thoughts and feelings related to stress:
thinking you cannot cope,
feeling frightened for an unknown reason,
worrying about everything, large or small,
feeling afraid that something bad will happen,
feeling that you are about to fall apart,
having the same worrisome thought over and over,
having a negative view of yourself,
having a negative view of the world,
feeling bored with everything,
being unable to concentrate,
having nightmares,
feeling helpless,
feeling hopeless,
feeling worthless,
feeling unable to make decisions

Divorce and Stress

2009-06-07T14:37:00.001-07:00

While divorce is common, it is not benign. Marital separation and divorce consistently rank in the top five of most stressful life events. According to research, women are more at risk of a major depression after a divorce, but men are more at risk of experiencing their first onset of major depression, according to a study published in the American Journal of Psychiatry.

In a 2006 study published by the Journal of Health and Social Behavior, researchers found that the stress of divorce can deteriorate a women's health. Iowa State University sociology professor Fred Lorenz and his colleagues made this discovery through interviews with more than 400 mothers of adolescent children, including 80 women who had just gone through a divorce. The interviews started in the early 1990s and were repeated a decade later.

When the interviews started, the recently divorced women were more stressed-out than the women who were still married. "Immediately after a divorce, stress levels jump," Lorenz says. "There are an awful lot of adjustments that people have to make." The first year after divorce is a time of rebuilding after a time of survival. It is difficult financially and emotionally.

Men also report increases in stress, especially during the divorce process. The desire for men to get it (the divorce) over with as quickly as possible to relieve this stress often results in them making decisions that aren't true to what they want or need financially or as a parent to their children.

Over the next few weeks, this blog will address why divorce is stressful, how the stress can affect you and your children's lives, and how to cope with the stress of divorce and reduce the stress of it for your children. This week, take the time to become aware of what stress symptoms you are experiencing. For a complete list of symptoms of stress, follow this link: http://www.ohr.cornell.edu/benefits/eap/symp_checklist.pdf

Make a call to a counselor to help you cope. Even a just few sessions can help you start feeling like your best self again and get you through this process the best you can!

Reconciliation: Dream or Reality?

2009-06-02T00:23:00.000-07:00

It is estimated that 70% of the divorces that occur are for problems that are solvable. According to research, the 30% where divorce is inevitable or necessary are due to abuse or other destructive behaviors in the marriage. To the 70%, this blog is for you!

It is fairly standard that one of the spouses wants the divorce and the other does not. It is also common that one person felt blind-sided by the news while the other felt as though it was coming and obvious for quite a while. Regardless, divorce has now entered the marital relationship. At this point, this far down the road, is divorce inevitable? Or, is there still a chance for reconciliation?

I don't have a magic formula for how to make reconciliation happen, but I can tell you that it does. So, what should you do if you are facing divorce, but hoping and believing in a reconciliation?

1. Go to marriage counseling. If your spouse is willing to even go for a few sessions, go to marriage counseling as soon as possible. Find a list of providers through your insurance company or get a referral from a friend. This is the ideal place to start. Even if your spouse will only go to talk about divorcing, that is fine. Just try to get there.

2. See a counselor for yourself. Most likely you are a wreck. You may be anxiety-ridden, not sleeping, or feeling depressed or trapped. Get a counselor to help you. You are going to need your strength, reason, and clarity to fight for your marriage and counseling will help you with that. Some mediators believe that it is the strength and confidence that comes with fighting for your marriage that is the exact thing that attracts your spouse back to you.

3. Take part in the divorce process. Yes, you read it right. It is important that you stay engaged and active in your marriage right now and this is where your marriage is at. Be an active participant in your marriage, wherever it is at. You have to walk the fine line of moving forward with divorce while hoping and believing that you will be reconciled. It takes emotional maturity to feel two conflicting emotions at the same time. Be engaged. Listen. Give suggestions. Think through the decisions fully. Hang in there.

4. Continue communicating with your spouse. Communication is key. Take what opportunities you do have to communicate, even if they are few or brief. Feel free to state that you are still going to fight for this marriage, but don't be surprised if you are met with rejection or resistance when you do. There are different schools of thoughts on this matter. Others say that you should not state this, but to just listen and hear out the other person about why they want to leave the marriage and affirm what they are saying and begin changing those things without argument. I have seen both approaches work. Whatever approach you take, it won't mean a thing if it's not sincere, so speak from your heart.

5. Mediate vs. Litigate. In order to accomplish #4. effectively, mediation is a must. Mediation is all about speaking directly to one another about the details of divorce. Litigation is all about talking through attorneys. Visit http://www.compassdivorce.com/ & http://compassdivorce.com/divorcecosts.htm to find more benefits of mediation to make your case if needed. Find a mediator that also does marriage reconciliation work. S/he will be better able to keep the door open for that possibility if they understand what is needed to make reconciliation happen.

6. Continue to be a friend. Through it all, even the separation, continue to be a friend to your spouse. Help him/her in a real way (moving, cooking, childcare, etc.), give support, offer empathy, be nonjudgmental, and refrain from criticism. Keep things platonic without any pressure for sex or love. I'm not saying this is going to be easy. Just be there and go through the muck with your mate.

Step 5: Map Your Future

2009-05-18T14:40:00.000-07:00

I have a friend that is passionate about sailing. In the passing of a sailing book, it was discovered that he had highlighted the tip to bring green tomatoes on a voyage in order that they would not rot, but that they would be perfectly ripe when needed. While this has become a platform for endless teasing about his overly detailed planning, in reality, it makes sense. See, in sailing well, it's not only important to chart the course, but also to prepare for the quality of the entire journey.

It may not feel like it, but at some point your divorce journey will end and you will be moving on with your life. . . redefined. Many people make the mistake of waiting until that moment appears before pondering and planning what their future will be. Ask yourself and answer in detail: How do you want to look back on your divorce years from now? Many people say they wish they had acted differently and regret their actions. It's not that they wish they had been meaner, more competitive, or fought harder for more money. Those come naturally with the territory. During the divorce, couples often forget to factor in their own conduct and its consequences. Now is the time to map your future while you have a chance to directly affect it.

Chart Your Course
The aim of "Step 5: Map Your Future" is to reduce baggage and increase your quality of life after the divorce. The important part is having a picture of that in your mind and a discussion about it at the mediation table. The following course of action marks points to help gain clarity on how the decisions you make today will affect your quality of life (and your children’s) in the future.
Point A: AbilityHave the confidence that you have the ability to do divorce well! You are completely capable of doing this. It can be easy to get overwhelmed during the divorce process. You may feel like you are living in a state of the unknown and no control. The law is deciding for you, your spouse isn't agreeing with you, the kids are melting down, nothing is going the way you hoped or deserve!The anecdote for worry and fear is the belief that no matter what comes your way, you can handle it. You truly can handle this. I'm not saying it will be easy, but you definitely can do this.

Point B: Beyond Today
Think through your decisions and actions beyond today. Administer the 1-5-10 year test to your decisions and the approach you are taking with your divorce. How are the words and choices you are making today going to affect your children and spouse in one year, five years, or ten years? So many regrets and mistakes come from just not thinking things through. They also come from acting out of anger vs. responding from what hopes you have. Release your anger in the most healthy ways possible and apologize when you don't. Then, make your decisions based on your hopes for after the divorce, not the anger of today.

Point C: ConnectDivorce can be isolating if you let it. Focus on staying connected to your children, friends, and family. This will help you stay focused on what's truly important. Find support in friends, family, a counselor, and/or a divorce support group. Give yourself permission to laugh and enjoy life even though you may be grieving the loss of your marriage. Take time for yourself and your loved ones. Play with your children and know that you will always be their mom or dad.

Point D: Determine and Describe
Write down how you want to look back on your divorce using the 1-5-10 year test. In one year, five years, ten years, where would you like to see yourself? Even if you dream of reconciliation, focus on how you want your own self to be like at each of those points in the future. What job do you hope you be working? What home do you hope to be living in? What will time with your children look like? What will you do in your free time? Type out the answers or write them in a beautiful journal, or if you are visual, draw them in a sketchbook or clip magazines to create a collage of your future life.

For the Children
The points above relate to the children. In fact, believing and knowing what you want in the future is a gift to your children. The main focus should be staying connected to the children. Meet them in their world. Make efforts to understand what they are hoping for in the future. Ask your children what they hope for, what is important to them. It is crucial for your children to feel as though you "get" them, that you truly understand and have heard from them what they feel and think about the future. This divorce is happening to them too. Remember to factor them in.

What's Next?
Perhaps you're already into the divorce process and after reading this are regretting some of the decisions you made. Remember, hindsight is 20/20 and it's not too late to map a different course. Get more information and approach your spouse about doing it differently. You can settle your divorce outside of court and revisit any of these steps at any point to make corrections. It takes courage, but this is YOUR divorce after all. Make it one you can live with!

Step 4: Have A Conscious Strategy

2009-05-10T23:19:00.000-07:00

You've done what you could to make your marriage work. You've started the difficult work of uncoupling and informing to your children in "Step 2." And in "Step 3," you've laid the foundation for a healthy, successful divorce. Now it's time to make decisions and develop a strategy. The beginning of having a conscious strategy is identifying your intentions in this divorce. This is the conscious part. Then, develop a plan of action for your divorce. The plan will be your guide as you go through the divorce process.

Identify Your Intentions:
Here are a few questions to getting you started:
1. How do you want to look back on this divorce five years down the road?
2. When you talk about your divorce to other people what do you want to be saying?
3. What do you want for your children?
4. Are you the best parent to raise your child(ren)?
5. Who do you want to be in this divorce? Are you who you always said you would be?

Develop A Strategy
How will you turn your intentions into outcomes? The reality is that you have to participate in a legal process in order to become divorced. Intentions are not enough. You need a strategy. This requires knowing your options. Get more information about divorce and alternatives to divorcing in court. Most couples cannot afford the cost of a court divorce with two attorneys (http://compassdivorce.com/divorcecosts.htm). Once your attorneys are paid off, there is little money left for you to begin your future.

Here are your basic options. You can use each one alone or combine them for a custom approach to your divorce:
1. DIY or Pro Se: You and your spouse can make the decisions together and then complete the required paperwork on your own. Or, make the decisions yourself and then have a professional help you complete or complete the court document(s) for you.Instructions and paperwork can be found at: http://www.state.ak.us/courts/forms.htm#dr-1 Or, go pro se and represent yourself in court as your own attorney.

2. Mediation: A 3rd party neutral helps you to address and resolve the decisions that need to be made for a divorce. This is a popular approach to divorcing outside of court. It allows you and your spouse to decide what will work for you within legal limits. Follow these links for more information: The Face of Divorce http://www.mediate.com/

3. Arbitration: Often a retired judge or attorney that has specialized training will hear both your sides and what you want, then the arbitrator will make a decision and the parties agree to accept that decision. This is done outside of court.

4. Collaborative Law/Divorce: Work with attorneys and other experts as a team to complete your divorce outside of court. It's the most expensive approach to divorce outside of court, but has many of the same benefits of other approaches that keep divorce outside of court. Check out this link for more information: http://www.collaborativepractice.com/

5. Litigation: Both spouses hire attorneys and go through the courts for the entire divorce. This is the traditional view of divorce in our country. For more information, see The Face of Divorce and http://compassdivorce.com/divorcecosts.htm . See your yellow pages or get a referral from a friend for an attorney.

Questions to help you choose a strategy that meets your intentions:1. Can you reach an amicable settlement out of court?
2. Do you have enough evidence to win?
3. How much damage emotionally will your child endure from suing for custody?
4. How much damage will your child endure if you don't sue for custody?
5. Will the other parent(s) always be difficult?
6. Will your spouse change for the benefit of the child because you are suing for custody?
7. Can you afford to sue for custody?

Children: The Healthy Basis For Your Conscious Strategy
Consider the following paradigm shifts (or realizations) from http://www.uptoparents.org/ that tend to occur in divorcing couples as they go through the process that can help in identifying your intentions and developing a strategy.
1. Maybe this isn't a competition between us, but instead the ultimate call to cooperation for our children’s sake.
2. Maybe our issues aren't so much legal as personal, emotional, and parental.
3. Maybe our love for our children will be a better guide for us than our legal rights or litigation.
4. Maybe we have been so consumed with our own hurt and fear that our children’s real needs have been largely invisible to us.
5. Maybe our children are suffering as a result of our conflict—and in ways that we haven't noticed.
6. Regardless of what they say to appease each of us, maybe what our children really want and need is a restrained, predictable, and cooperative relationship between their parents.
7. Instead of being threatened by my children's good relationships with their other parent, maybe I actually have a vital interest in supporting those relationships.
8. Maybe my failure to acknowledge and deal with my grief has helped drive our conflict.
9. Maybe we can succeed only by partnering to protect our children.
10. Maybe our children require us to have even better communication and cooperation now that we’re separated.
11. Maybe there are about ten specific skills I can master to protect my children and myself.
12. Maybe my co-parent’s slips are reason for me to be heroically restrained, not to add to conflict.
13. Maybe activities as basic as admiring and enjoying my children can help me succeed.
14. Maybe there are specific things I can do, regardless of what my co-parent does.
15. Maybe the failure of our intimate/marital relationship is no reason for us to fail in a co-parenting relationship.

Step 3: Set Yourself Up for Success

2009-04-26T17:34:00.000-07:00

When the decision to divorce is made, your relationship with your spouse changes from intimate to something different where the label of friend or enemy doesn’t really fit what now remains. It is at this time that it is important to: 1) establish a commitment to remain productive, 2) define what you want your future relationship with your spouse to look like, 3) regulate contact with your divorcing spouse at a level that you can manage emotionally, and 4) surround yourself with people that are supportive of your cooperative approach to divorce.

Research supports that working together to make decisions about property, finances, and parenting during a divorce has been named a success by both parties involved. Not only are the agreements made directly by they people involved, but they have been proven to have excellent staying power for years after because the agreements are realistic and the ex-spouses are more comfortable communicating about the topics of property, finance, and parenting the children as a result of having to do so in the first place. Setting yourself up for success means approaching the business of divorce cooperatively.
Cooperation can be defined as the process of working or acting together or the alternative to working separately in competition. A healthy divorce requires a give and take attitude.

At the same time, the logic and reason in your mind is likely at war with your emotions of pain and anger. It is important to acknowledge and manage your feelings in a way that allows your reason and strong self to be present while making important decisions related to the divorce. Practically speaking, your schedule will need to be adjusted for you to have some time to address the divorce legally and emotionally. Step 3 urges you to take the time to think through your conduct during the divorce process from beginning to end in order to set yourself up for the success you deserve.

Commit to Productivity

In order to be productive in meetings with your spouse, you will need to commit to behavior that will lead to these results. It can be excruciatingly difficult to maintain self-control when talking about the details of divorce with your spouse. You may want to scream, forfeit, leave, reject, torture, or hurt your spouse. Do not let your anger get the better of you. When you apologize for harsh words spoken, or pause and put the children's interests first, you are making a healthy choice that will serve you and everyone in the family best for years to come. It is about making a joint commitment to not allowing communication to break down and result into a adversarial debate of what is fair and who deserves more. It's willing to say: no matter how bad this separation gets, I (we) will not go to court. Put your mediation on hold for some time and if needed, write out a statement signed by both of you stating that you will handle this with dignity outside of court.

Redefine the Relationship

Start by describing the ideal relationship you would like to have with your former spouse once all of this divorce business is over, even if it seems impossible now. Write this down. It can be one sentence, or in detail. Times can get rough. This description of what you hope for serves as a good reminder of why you are working together instead of fighting it out in court. By working together now, you will be able to uncouple and redefine your relationship more effectively than if you were working separately in competition.

Regulate Contact

If you begin to feel like your emotions are overtaking your judgment, take a break and check in with your feelings. What are you feeling and why? What can you do to take care of yourself? Give yourself permission to say "I can't do this right now. We'll finish this conversation another time (within the next 24 hours)." And then, initiate the conversation within 24 hours. This is important because if you took the time you needed, you need to be responsible for opening up the discussion again. You can't cut the conversation off and leave the other person guessing as to when you will be ready again. That sets them up for failure. Contact him/her even if to say, "Here's what I know_________, and that is why I am still not ready. I can be ready on (day)." Just make sure the conversation happens in a timely manner. Talk with your spouse about implementing this 24-hour policy.

Surround Yourself

There are too many people doing the best thing for their family and themselves by divorcing with dignity outside of court that are not getting support from their friends and family. First, to those that are mediating instead of battling, your friends and family are allowed to take sides and should take sides (yours mainly), they want to protect and love you. However, they also need to trust you and support your choice and knowledge of the situation from an insider's view. You need people or a person that will help you prepare for mediation sessions and not tell you to get an attorney every time this is difficult for you. That is not a solution, but a distraction. You can do this! You are fully capable, along with 75% of other divorcing adults, to divorce outside of court, maintain communication, reduce the emotional costs and increase your financial award by not paying it to an attorney! Unfortunately, litigation and battling is still the The Face of Divorce and they are telling what they know their experience to be. You have chosen another path. A path that many say they wish they had taken when they were in your shoes. If you have to get a counselor to be that supportive person, get a counselor.

The Children

All of the above topics trickle down to benefit your children. By managing your emotions and improving your communication with your divorcing spouse, you are creating a new normal, stable family for your children. Being stable is about predictability. If your children are acting out now, they have responded to the unpredictability and inconsistency of the environment that naturally comes with the changes of separation and divorce. Creating the foundation here for a new normal is key for their future well-being.

Ready for the Next Step

The next step addresses making those final decisions about how to divorce, when to divorce, divisions of property and finance, and parenting time (custody). Check yourself this week to make sure you have walked through Step 1, 2, and 3 and revisit things you may have missed before moving forward.

Step 2: Take Time to Uncouple (Part 2, the children)

2009-04-19T11:53:00.000-07:00

Last week's blog focused on the uncoupling of spouses and the importance of doing so. Equally as important, is helping your children to uncouple effectively. It is so important that you give children information. What children do is create their own stories about why changes are happening in their life with them as the main character. If you are not getting in there and giving them the information in a way that they can understand it, their stories could be hurtful to their development or worse, tragic in a way that will take years of work for them to overcome.

Your kids are asking questions and you have your own explanations, but want to protect them from the information because you believe it is too painful for them to hear. Or perhaps, you believe that this is between you and your spouse and the two of you will handle it without putting this on the kids. The number one action you need to take is to talk to your children about the separation no matter what. This is their life and they know something big has changed. Do not put this talk off. It won't be better later. Do it now! I am shocked at how many parents will avoid this talk as well as how many will flippantly have this talk with the kids without any preparation or the other parent. This is a very important, defining moment for your kids and they desperately need you to present as a united front in passing this information.

Ideally, this talk will take place in your home, in a common room that the whole family uses, with both of you present. Take time as a couple to decide what you are going to say and determine together what the tone of the conversation will be. If needed, you can include a therapist as well to help if this is too much for you. In that case you would meet at the therapist's office. Which is fine. You need to have this talk. Find a way to have it in whatever way possible.

Map for the Talk
1. Determine what will change and what won't change for the children ahead of time and let them know about the differences and similarities when you talk with them. This will reassure the children as well as let them know what they can expect. This reduces anxiety and sadness generated by the unknown and decreases the need for them to create a story that is detrimental to themselves and their family.

2. Inform the kids that you and your spouse will continue to be capable of making decisions and being the authority figures that you have been. If communication has broken down and been tense for you and your spouse, acknowledge that fact (they already see and feel it) and state that you will be getting help to make that better (by working with a mediator or counselor). This will allow them to let go of that responsibility so that they can use their energy for school, activities, and relationships with friends and family instead of mediating and fixing the two of you.

3. Choose your words very carefully for your children's sake. Use neutral language. It doesn't matter what you believe about the divorce or whose fault it is, avoid blaming either one and present it to your precious children using the mutual problems you have (e.g. not getting along any more) or explain that both of you have worked hard on the marriage, but one or both of you feel there is too much damage to be repaired. Express how sad you are for them that this is the solution you have arrived at. You are going to have to put your children before yourself here. This step is often difficult for the parents. Avoid the temptation to win your children's approval or use words about one spouse "leaving us" by showing respect for your spouse's different needs or feelings.

4. Assure your children that they are in no way responsible for the divorce. This is adult stuff. Each of you tell them that they are loved, wanted, and cherished as the best things that have ever happened to you. For more clarification on this, follow this link: Kids Just Don't Understand

5. Give your children permission to love and find joy in their relationship with the other parent, even if you don't feel that the other parent deserves it. It is never okay to use the children to punish your spouse. When you discourage your children from enjoying the other parent as much as they enjoy you (or more at times), you are hurting your child, not your spouse. Smile and nod and then go scream into a pillow, but do not take that away from him/her.

6. Create a place in your homes for your children and tell them the schedule for time with each parent. Create a place filled with your children's things. Decide whether clothes will travel back and forth or if you will divide them among the homes. Personalize their bedroom with things specific to her/him. Encourage them to be a part of decorating their own sleeping space and decide which special items they would like to keep there.

7. Allow time for your children to ask questions and encourage them to express how they feel about the decisions and changes that have been happening in their family. Let them know it's okay to express anger, sadness, hurt or worry about the news and towards you. Say "I'm sorry" about the hurt that you are causing them and assure them that you still love them very much.

8. Tell them you will keep them informed of new developments and changes that are coming up as the divorce process continues. They shouldn't have to use their time and energy studying you and your spouse and eavesdropping on you while you talk with family or friends about the divorce. Keep them informed and keep this promise that you will continue to do so.

IMPORTANT NOTE: This talk is not a one time thing. Based on the individual needs of your children, you may have to revisit 1, 2, or all 7 above repeatedly until they are secure that they will still be cared for, loved, and secure in this new family situation. Be patient and steadfast in the above messages. Do not waiver. . .for their sake.

For a list of do's and don'ts on talking to your children about divorce, follow this link Talking To Your Children About Your Divorce.

Step 2: Take the Time to Uncouple (Part One)

2009-04-08T14:17:00.000-07:00

No matter how desperately you want out of your marriage or how badly you want to stay in the marriage, the time has come to uncouple. This is an important step. Couples can divorce, remarry, have more children in the new marriage and still are not uncoupled with their former spouse. Shocking isn't it? It happens. Upon separation, the rules of marriage no longer apply. You cannot rely on the assumed roles and rules that you have operated under for the years of your marriage.

To those that are wanting to get the divorce over quickly, remember to include your spouse in this process. You will have to practice patience to take the time to uncouple. To those that are wanting and believing in reconciliation, be careful, because by presenting your love to your spouse every chance you get, you will actually alienate them further. Nobody legitimately reconciled because the other person pushed their love on the other spouse. Take the time to uncouple and preserve your ability to communicate throughout the future.

What is Uncoupling?
When you are married, you and your spouse function as a couple in your personal life. In the home, the roles are distributed and assumed for: housekeeping, yard work, childcare, income, home repair, investing, bill paying, etc. Socially, you and your spouse are a couple with friends, attend functions as a couple, viewed as a couple by those in attendance. At work, you are uncoupled. Whether you work in or outside of the home, you work and interact with others as individuals. Even if co-workers know that you are married, they interact with you alone and know you better than your spouse. Uncoupling is the process of defining yourself as an individual in your personal life. New ground rules will have to be made and without the other spouse around, your role as parent and adult will have to expand.

The Four Areas of Uncoupling:
The following areas are the immediate areas that will need attention in the Uncoupling Step.

1. Financial:
Decide how bills will be paid and what assets can be liquidated if needed. Set a budget for both of you to cover costs for yourselves and the children during this transition. Do you need to discuss or inform the other spouse of purchases over a certain amount so that you don't end up overdrawn or with overdue bills? If you have left the marriage, it is important to communicate your new expenses and come to an agreement on how they will be covered.

2. Living Arrangements:
Who will live where and if one of you will rent space, then how much money can you allocate for that? Keep in mind that two household will be supported by your combined income now. What adjustments are needed as a result? Even if you don't want the divorce, you need to face the reality that bills still need to get paid. Do you need to get a job or a second job to make ends meet?

3. The Children:
Who will the children live with? How and what will you tell them about the divorce? Our mediation flat fee provides a counselor to help you and your spouse coordinate how to talk to your children about the separation and divorce as well as make the transition to co-parenting as successful as possible. If you don't have access to a counselor at mediation, find a child therapist that is familiar with the needs of divorce.

4. Your Relationship Redefined:
You are not married, but you aren't strangers either. I have yet to find a word that describes this new relationship you have. If you have children, co-parents is the best fit. It keeps you focused on what you have in common and the main reason you are in communication after divorce. If you don't have children, it may be your friends that bond you, co-friends is what you are, so to speak. (Suggestions for a word that works here are fully welcome!) Either way, take the time to have a conversation about how much personal contact and communication you want to have, what areas of life you will still need to be involved with each other, and what ground rules apply for those times of interaction and with mutual friends.

Respond vs. React to the Divorce
When we react to something, we are going from receiving information to action without thinking. This is the knee-jerk reaction. When we respond, we insert thought in between receiving the information and the action we take. It is time to stop reacting and start responding.

In the Uncoupling process, there are some clear psychological tasks in front of you.
1. QUESTIONS: You begin to deal with the questions like: "Can I live alone?" "What is my identity without this marriage?" "What am I if I am divorced?" It is this anxiety and despair that can push you into staying in a relationship that is no longer healthy or satisfactory.

2. STRONG FEELINGS: You are experiencing feelings like you never have before in your life. You are hopeless, full of rage, panicked, resentful, depressed and feel as if you are going crazy! This is normal. This stage of divorce has been described as a temporary state of insanity. You are not at your best self and often, don't feel like yourself at all nor do you recognize who your spouse has become. One of the most difficult feelings can be loneliness. You will have the task of reaching out to other to help with projects and spend some time with when your kids are away with the other parent.

3. YOUR IDENTITY: You may not be the person you were in this marriage. Marriage demands compromise and as our relationships prove to be more challenging, we bend even further to make them work. As you take time to uncouple, ask yourself who you are: What music do you like? What food is your favorite? What sports do you like? How do you like to spend your weekends? What do you really believe? Ask the small questions and ask the big ones too. Through experimenting and sorting your experiments into like & dislike, a new you will begin to appear.

Counseling is a great resource for you during the uncoupling stage. With emotions high and the search for your identity, counseling is an excellent way to resolve those issues. Going to counseling does not mean you are the problem or you are broken, it is just like going to an expert to cut your hair. Sure, you could do it on your own, but how many hours will it take you to learn to do it and how many mistakes will you need to make before you get it right? Start by committing to 4-6 sessions and then reevaluate if you want to continue. It can't hurt to give it a try. Can you really afford not to?

Part Two of Step 2 : Take Time to Uncouple will be coming this weekend. Until then, leave your comments and questions and remember to take your compass with you!

Step 1: Exhaust All Options

2009-03-29T20:35:00.000-07:00

Last week's blog offered a step-by-step guide of what to do once the words "I want a divorce" make their appearance in your marriage. The fact is, those words end your marriage as you know it, and begin the next chapter of your life. The next few weeks' blogs will detail each step, discuss what your role is with your children during that step, and when to move onto the next step.

Step 1: Exhaust All OptionsOnce the news has presented itself, it is important to stop and ask yourself, "Have I done everything I possibly could to make this marriage work?" As counterintuitive as this is, it is a necessary first step in a healthy divorce (or reconciliation). Most commonly, exhausting all options means marriage counseling, which is a great place to start. Beyond this, did you follow through and complete the assignments that the marriage therapist gave you? Have you made your marriage your top priority? Have you listened to your spouse until you can understand why it is they are unhappy?

The key to this step is being committed to giving it a fair amount of time and effort. Often one spouse is asking for a divorce and the other spouse is either shocked by the news or in no way wants the divorce to happen. It is important for you, if you are the one wanting this divorce, to pause if your spouse is willing to keep trying and if that is at all possible for you. Get the help of a counselor or mediator to help you set ground rules, strategy, and a timeline for this phase.

NOTE: If your spouse is using intimidation, threats, or physical force to try and make you stay and work at the marriage, that is a sign to exit the relationship and get the help of a professional counselor in order to do that.

The Children:During this phase, it is important that as you work through your issues as a married couple, that you remember to be the best parent you can be when you're with your children. This also means that you do what you can for the other parent to be the best parent they can be when around the children. As one reconciliation client reflects back: "I had just asked for a divorce. We had a trip to Disneyland planned with his extended family and it was the last place I wanted to be, but I couldn't take that opportunity away from my children nor were we ready to include the in-laws in on our marital problems. So, we went. The kids were so excited. Our counselor advised us to remain focused on our children and to remember how much fun they could have and not let our own conflict get in the way of an experience of a lifetime for them."

Ready for the Next Step:
It's impossible to give an exact timeline for you to move on from exhausting all options. But, when you can answer "yes" to the question, have you done everything within your power to make this marriage work, or you feel comfortable and at peace with the decision to divorce, then it is time to move on. Also, if you are the spouse that is trying to keep this together regardless of exhausting all options, it is time for you to concede and move on as well. It's time for Step 2: Take Time to Uncouple.

A Divorce Map: Step By Step

2009-03-22T22:41:00.000-07:00

"I want a divorce." You've heard the words or you've spoken them, so. . . "Now what?" Typically, the advice you will get is to get an attorney, but do you even know why you need an attorney or what you are going to do with one once you get it? It’s time to take a deep breath and read the following step-by-step guide to divorcing. I will spend the next few weeks expanding on each of the steps to offer you a more detailed guide and the wisdom of those that have gone before you.

Step 1: Exhaust All Options
This surprising first step comes from those who have gone before you. The most consistent advice from those that have divorced is to do everything you can to make your marriage work first. There are two reasons for this. One, you may end up rebuilding your broken marriage into the marriage you always wanted. And two, you will be able to move forward knowing that you did everything you could to make your marriage work and that peace of mind, I have been told, is priceless.

Step 2: Take the Time to Uncouple
Typically, there is a mad dash among spouses to try and gain the legal advantage. If you can’t agree on the logistics of separating, seek a mediator and make those decisions before diving into a competitive, adversarial relationship. It is important to make changes slowly to give enough time to each person to adjust and process to what is about to happen. At the very least, indulge yourself with a free initial consult from an attorney, but do not put down a retainer at this point in the game (or never).

Step 3: Set Yourself Up for Success
When the decision to divorce is made, your relationship with your spouse changes from intimate to something different where the label of friend or enemy doesn’t really fit what now remains. It is at this time that it is important to prepare your mind and environment for a healthy divorce. Three actions that are a must: 1) establish a commitment to remain productive, 2) define what you want your future relationship with your spouse to look like, 3) limit contact with your divorcing spouse to a level that you can manage emotionally, and 4) surround yourself with people that are supportive of your cooperative approach to divorce.

Step 4: Have a Conscious Strategy
Ask yourself what you want this divorce to accomplish beyond ending your marriage. What do you want your divorce to look like? What friendships related to the marriage do you want to preserve? How do you want to parent your child(ren) together? This is a time to get more information about divorce and alternatives to divorcing in court. Most couples cannot afford the cost of a court divorce with two attorneys. Once your attorneys are paid off, there is little money left for you to begin your future. Take time to consider all of your options.

Step 5: Map Your Future
How do you want to look back on your divorce years from now? How many people say they wish they had acted differently and regret their actions? The aim is to reduce baggage and increase your quality of life. As a mediator, I honor the way my clients want to divorce. The important part is having a picture of that in your mind and a discussion about it at the mediation table. It can be helpful to receive counseling individually or through a support group to help gain clarity on how the decisions you make today will affect your quality of life and your children’s in the future.

Perhaps you're already into the divorce process and after reading this are regretting some of the decisions you made. Remember, hindsight is 20/20 and it's not too late to map a different course. Get more information and approach your spouse about doing it differently. You can settle your divorce outside of court and revisit any of these steps at any point to make corrections. It takes courage, but this is YOUR divorce after all. Make it one you can live with!

The Face of Divorce

2009-03-14T15:11:00.000-07:00

Divorce is often depicted as a war between two people. Images of hate-filled fighting and conniving manipulation are likely to come to mind when we hear the word "divorce." However, this idea of divorce is only reality for a very small percentage of divorcing couples. The stereotype exists because of this 20-25% percent's intense distress and repeated destructive behavior that commands the share of society's attention. The reality is far from this perception.

Most couples do experience their share of pain and difficulty in working through the process of divorce, but it is more due to the struggle of getting through the uncharted waters of divorce than the hatred and manipulation between them. More commonly, couples find that they have the ability to communicate and cooperate about their children. While they are moderately angry, they are not consumed with hatred for the other person. In fact, more often than not, they divorce in sadness rather than great anger.

Among the 75-80% of divorcing couples are those who seek to divorce with less bitterness and wish for a different forum for divorcing than the stereotypical battle. It is so important for people to know that there is a way which allows them to divorce that preserves some dignity and self-esteem and protects their children from unnecessary risk and harm. Not just those that are divorcing, but society as a whole to be aware that this option is available to your loved ones.

Too many people contact me after getting into litigation, wishing they had never started. Because of society's understanding of divorce, all people know is to get an attorney. Only when they are in the middle of the battle do they realize, this is never where they wanted to be. Perhaps it's because they are losing so much money, or the communication around their children has become a source of conflict, or their anxiety is high and their counselor is telling them they need to be doing this through mediation - for their sake and their children's.

Let's spare our loved ones the hardships and inform them of mediation upfront. If you know of someone getting divorce and truly want to help them, informing them of mediation for divorce is one of the single best ways to help them and their children.

Talking To Your Children About Your Divorce

2009-03-07T23:09:00.000-08:00

Divorce is painful for every member of the family, but children are especially vulnerable. Even great parents can get caught up in the anger and bitterness, and without knowing it, can say and do things that really hurt their children. Gary Neuman, creator of the Sandcastles Therapy Program, offers these ideas for talking about divorce with children:

1. Don't ask your kids to choose sides.Whether you come right out and ask them or subtly pressure them, you're putting them in the middle of your problems. They feel tremendous pressure and anxiety to please both parents, and they don't know what to say.

2. Don't say bad things about your ex.When you criticize your ex, you criticize your child. To their ears, you might as well be saying, "You're a rotten person."

3. Talk to your child about his or her feelings.When your child is feeling rejected by one parent or the other, help them talk about it, and help them understand that it's not their fault. Say, "It must be very sad for you not to have your (father's/mother's) attention. Adults make mistakes, and a lot of times they hurt the people they love the most. But that doesn't mean you did anything wrong."

4. Open the lines of communication.Don't just ask your kids how they're doing. You won't get a straight answer. Instead, say, "It sounds like you feel ________." Fill in the blank with words like "hurt," "sad," or whatever you think they feel. This gives kids permission to open up and say whatever they want.

5. Act like a parent.You are the adults in this situation. Let your kids know that you and your ex will make the decisions about how much time they spend with each of you. It's not something they need to worry about.

6. "It's not worth it."Make those words your mantra. The fighting, the name-calling, the ugliness—none of those things are worth the pain you're putting your kids through.

7. Admit your mistakes.Let your kids know what you have done wrong, whether in your marriage, or in dealing with the divorce, and make a new commitment to them.

OPEN HOUSE: October 23rd 9 a.m.-5 p.m.

2008-10-16T14:20:00.000-07:00

Compass Divorce Center is having a party! Well, sort of . . . . We are having an Open House on Thursday, October 23rd from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. There will be door prizes, tours, coffee, tea, and food! It is going to be a fun, informative day! Consider yourself officially invited & I look forward to seeing you there!

COME JOIN US!
What: Compass Divorce Center's Open House

Where: 1317 W. Northern Lights Blvd., Suite 16
Anchorage, Alaska

When: Thursday
October 23rd, 2008
9:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m.

Note: Enter through the rear entrance behind The Bead Shack.

Compass Divorce Center, Part 2

2008-08-23T00:40:00.000-07:00

Here are the results so far. It's just missing the wall art, a pair of curtains and some books and pieces in the bookcase, but it's almost there! Enjoy! Let me know what you think!
(Click on the picture to view it larger).

Mediation Room

Waiting Room

Counseling Room

Compass Divorce Center

2008-08-22T23:40:00.001-07:00

This past month we have been working hard to set up the new office so I wanted to share the progress with some before and after pictures. I am so excited about the new space and am working to make it a place that is comfortable, calming, and uplifting for all of the couples and families that use it. The new location is at 1317 W. Northern Lights Boulevard, Suite 16 in Anchorage, Alaska. I will let the pictures speak for themselves.

(Click on the picture to view it larger).

BEFORE

Waiting Room (Before)

Entrance into the Mediation Room (Before)

Counseling Room (Before)

DURING

AFTER

(see next blog for the final results!)

Divorcing in Today's Economy

2008-07-27T15:46:00.000-07:00

Gas prices. Layoffs. Debt. All things that are a reality for most families today. Times are tough. The Today Show interviewed a marriage therapist who said that the economy today is forcing some couples to stay together and avoid a divorce as a result. The question is: "Is that a good thing or a bad thing?" I say, "It depends." Really, only the couple can answer that. For those that are living in misery as a result of this economic reality, I have hope for you: mediation.

Mediation is a legal conflict resolution process that occurs outside of the court. It is a way to divorce without hiring expensive attorneys. The claim of mediation is that it is less costly, both emotionally and financially. In fact, it is estimated that a mediated divorce costs only 10% of what a court divorce costs. That is a 90% discount! This link provides a compelling cost comparison of court & mediation divorces: http://peace-talks.com/comparecosts/. In fact, many mediators charge a third or half what Peace Talks charge, which means there is an even larger cost discrepancy than what the chart shows.

There are numerous other advantages to mediation: it takes less time, it allows control of the outcome, higher compliance with the agreement, less stress on the children and people involved, better communication in the future, and the list goes on and on. While just the cost of mediation make it worthwhile, it is comforting to know that the benefits don't stop there.

Today's economy may be forcing couples to stay together, but for many, it may force them into a mediated divorce, a healthy divorce.

Kids Just Don't Understand

2008-05-22T22:11:00.000-07:00

I am a divorce mediator. I am a neutral person that facilitates the discussion between a couple about the details of the marriage dissolution agreement. Understand? Most adults can understand what that means, at least generally, if not in detail. But what about children? What do they understand about this process called divorce?

The other day my 7 year-old son was reading my business card. He said "Oh mom, I know what you do. You divorce people and then the children don't see their mom or dad anymore." Shocked and quite appalled, I quickly corrected him explaining how far from the truth he really was. I explained that divorce was between a husband and wife (not the children & parents) and that meant that it separated the two of them, but the children still see their parents. He responded with, "Yah, like if the mom doesn't like the way the dad talks to the kids, then the kids don't see him ever again." I again corrected him. He still did not understand replying with, "Yah, like if the child is really bad and the mom and dad fight, then they get a divorce." No, no, no! Explaining was hopeless. No matter what angle I explained it from, my son always inserted a child's involvement into the explanation. That is when I realized that there is no talking a child out of assuming responsibility for divorce in one conversation.

My son's parents are married. He has not experienced divorce firsthand. He cannot name any friend's parents that are divorced. He can't recall any discussion of it at school. And yes, he is smart enough to understand explanations more scientifically complex than this. Yet, he is 7 years old and a child. He will take responsibility for this anyway. He can only see it that way right now. This is the way a child's mind works.

As parents, every book that addresses telling your children about the divorce will state to clarify that it is not their fault. But one conversation stating this is not enough, especially when coupled with the announcement of your divorce. It is important that parents understand that the grieving process of divorce is a revolving door. Grief comes, runs its course, and then comes again, and again, and again. Experts say that with each developmental milestone, with each defining moment, the grief process is initiated. So, what does this mean?

It means that as a parent you can never tire of telling your son or daughter that it was not his or her fault. Even if parenting conflicts led to the breakdown of your marriage, the divorce is completely you and your ex-spouse's responsibility alone. You made the decision and you made it with good reason. You can help your child(ren) through it by being there to reinforce their innocence when stress and excitement cause these feelings to resurface. I am not saying to constantly be showering them with "It's not your fault." but instead, to be ready to recognize and say it when they need to hear it, no matter how much time has passed since the divorce.

NOTE: Children adjust better to the changes of divorce when we are able to parent them through it. Please post your comments and questions regarding this topic.

Your Divorce Compass is Here!

2008-05-10T14:02:00.000-07:00

Welcome! This is just the beginning. The Divorce Compass is a place where you can come for guidance through your divorce process. This is YOUR Divorce Compass. We are the team of Compass Divorce Center! Our job is to provide you with directions and a map to help you and your family navigate your way through the divorce arriving at a better place than where you began. There is a better way to divorce.

Let's face it --noone teaches us about the best way to divorce, when to divorce, why to divorce, what to do with your children when divorcing, how to manage your career through your divorce, how to divorce the in-laws, and on and on. And while many divorcees find themselves in a better place eventually, it is our mission to help you speed up the process and avoid many of the bumps along the way for you and your children.

In this blog you will find everything related to divorce. We will have information for you, your soon-to-be ex, your teen, your child. You also will get a good dose of life planning and career coaching as well. Why? Because divorce affects your life and your career. What we do is work hard to ensure that the change in your life and career is positive. It has been said that divorce induces an inevitable state of temporary insanity. In other words, it is stressful to the point of not feeling, thinking, or acting like your best self at all.

Our team of experts has pooled together over 20 years experience to equip you for the best divorce possible. Let's walk through this journey together and arrive at a better destination than where you and your family began. I look forward to meeting you here.