Kids Just Don't Understand

I am a divorce mediator. I am a neutral person that facilitates the discussion between a couple about the details of the marriage dissolution agreement. Understand? Most adults can understand what that means, at least generally, if not in detail. But what about children? What do they understand about this process called divorce?

The other day my 7 year-old son was reading my business card. He said "Oh mom, I know what you do. You divorce people and then the children don't see their mom or dad anymore." Shocked and quite appalled, I quickly corrected him explaining how far from the truth he really was. I explained that divorce was between a husband and wife (not the children & parents) and that meant that it separated the two of them, but the children still see their parents. He responded with, "Yah, like if the mom doesn't like the way the dad talks to the kids, then the kids don't see him ever again." I again corrected him. He still did not understand replying with, "Yah, like if the child is really bad and the mom and dad fight, then they get a divorce." No, no, no! Explaining was hopeless. No matter what angle I explained it from, my son always inserted a child's involvement into the explanation. That is when I realized that there is no talking a child out of assuming responsibility for divorce in one conversation.

My son's parents are married. He has not experienced divorce firsthand. He cannot name any friend's parents that are divorced. He can't recall any discussion of it at school. And yes, he is smart enough to understand explanations more scientifically complex than this. Yet, he is 7 years old and a child. He will take responsibility for this anyway. He can only see it that way right now. This is the way a child's mind works.

As parents, every book that addresses telling your children about the divorce will state to clarify that it is not their fault. But one conversation stating this is not enough, especially when coupled with the announcement of your divorce. It is important that parents understand that the grieving process of divorce is a revolving door. Grief comes, runs its course, and then comes again, and again, and again. Experts say that with each developmental milestone, with each defining moment, the grief process is initiated. So, what does this mean?

It means that as a parent you can never tire of telling your son or daughter that it was not his or her fault. Even if parenting conflicts led to the breakdown of your marriage, the divorce is completely you and your ex-spouse's responsibility alone. You made the decision and you made it with good reason. You can help your child(ren) through it by being there to reinforce their innocence when stress and excitement cause these feelings to resurface. I am not saying to constantly be showering them with "It's not your fault." but instead, to be ready to recognize and say it when they need to hear it, no matter how much time has passed since the divorce.

NOTE: Children adjust better to the changes of divorce when we are able to parent them through it. Please post your comments and questions regarding this topic.