"I want a divorce." You've heard the words or you've spoken them, so. . . "Now what?" Typically, the advice you will get is to get an attorney, but do you even know why you need an attorney or what you are going to do with one once you get it? It’s time to take a deep breath and read the following step-by-step guide to divorcing. I will spend the next few weeks expanding on each of the steps to offer you a more detailed guide and the wisdom of those that have gone before you.
Step 1: Exhaust All Options
This surprising first step comes from those who have gone before you. The most consistent advice from those that have divorced is to do everything you can to make your marriage work first. There are two reasons for this. One, you may end up rebuilding your broken marriage into the marriage you always wanted. And two, you will be able to move forward knowing that you did everything you could to make your marriage work and that peace of mind, I have been told, is priceless.
Step 2: Take the Time to Uncouple
Typically, there is a mad dash among spouses to try and gain the legal advantage. If you can’t agree on the logistics of separating, seek a mediator and make those decisions before diving into a competitive, adversarial relationship. It is important to make changes slowly to give enough time to each person to adjust and process to what is about to happen. At the very least, indulge yourself with a free initial consult from an attorney, but do not put down a retainer at this point in the game (or never).
Step 3: Set Yourself Up for Success
When the decision to divorce is made, your relationship with your spouse changes from intimate to something different where the label of friend or enemy doesn’t really fit what now remains. It is at this time that it is important to prepare your mind and environment for a healthy divorce. Three actions that are a must: 1) establish a commitment to remain productive, 2) define what you want your future relationship with your spouse to look like, 3) limit contact with your divorcing spouse to a level that you can manage emotionally, and 4) surround yourself with people that are supportive of your cooperative approach to divorce.
Step 4: Have a Conscious Strategy
Ask yourself what you want this divorce to accomplish beyond ending your marriage. What do you want your divorce to look like? What friendships related to the marriage do you want to preserve? How do you want to parent your child(ren) together? This is a time to get more information about divorce and alternatives to divorcing in court. Most couples cannot afford the cost of a court divorce with two attorneys. Once your attorneys are paid off, there is little money left for you to begin your future. Take time to consider all of your options.
Step 5: Map Your Future
How do you want to look back on your divorce years from now? How many people say they wish they had acted differently and regret their actions? The aim is to reduce baggage and increase your quality of life. As a mediator, I honor the way my clients want to divorce. The important part is having a picture of that in your mind and a discussion about it at the mediation table. It can be helpful to receive counseling individually or through a support group to help gain clarity on how the decisions you make today will affect your quality of life and your children’s in the future.
Perhaps you're already into the divorce process and after reading this are regretting some of the decisions you made. Remember, hindsight is 20/20 and it's not too late to map a different course. Get more information and approach your spouse about doing it differently. You can settle your divorce outside of court and revisit any of these steps at any point to make corrections. It takes courage, but this is YOUR divorce after all. Make it one you can live with!
Step 1: Exhaust All Options
This surprising first step comes from those who have gone before you. The most consistent advice from those that have divorced is to do everything you can to make your marriage work first. There are two reasons for this. One, you may end up rebuilding your broken marriage into the marriage you always wanted. And two, you will be able to move forward knowing that you did everything you could to make your marriage work and that peace of mind, I have been told, is priceless.
Step 2: Take the Time to Uncouple
Typically, there is a mad dash among spouses to try and gain the legal advantage. If you can’t agree on the logistics of separating, seek a mediator and make those decisions before diving into a competitive, adversarial relationship. It is important to make changes slowly to give enough time to each person to adjust and process to what is about to happen. At the very least, indulge yourself with a free initial consult from an attorney, but do not put down a retainer at this point in the game (or never).
Step 3: Set Yourself Up for Success
When the decision to divorce is made, your relationship with your spouse changes from intimate to something different where the label of friend or enemy doesn’t really fit what now remains. It is at this time that it is important to prepare your mind and environment for a healthy divorce. Three actions that are a must: 1) establish a commitment to remain productive, 2) define what you want your future relationship with your spouse to look like, 3) limit contact with your divorcing spouse to a level that you can manage emotionally, and 4) surround yourself with people that are supportive of your cooperative approach to divorce.
Step 4: Have a Conscious Strategy
Ask yourself what you want this divorce to accomplish beyond ending your marriage. What do you want your divorce to look like? What friendships related to the marriage do you want to preserve? How do you want to parent your child(ren) together? This is a time to get more information about divorce and alternatives to divorcing in court. Most couples cannot afford the cost of a court divorce with two attorneys. Once your attorneys are paid off, there is little money left for you to begin your future. Take time to consider all of your options.
Step 5: Map Your Future
How do you want to look back on your divorce years from now? How many people say they wish they had acted differently and regret their actions? The aim is to reduce baggage and increase your quality of life. As a mediator, I honor the way my clients want to divorce. The important part is having a picture of that in your mind and a discussion about it at the mediation table. It can be helpful to receive counseling individually or through a support group to help gain clarity on how the decisions you make today will affect your quality of life and your children’s in the future.
Perhaps you're already into the divorce process and after reading this are regretting some of the decisions you made. Remember, hindsight is 20/20 and it's not too late to map a different course. Get more information and approach your spouse about doing it differently. You can settle your divorce outside of court and revisit any of these steps at any point to make corrections. It takes courage, but this is YOUR divorce after all. Make it one you can live with!
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