Last week's blog offered a step-by-step guide of what to do once the words "I want a divorce" make their appearance in your marriage. The fact is, those words end your marriage as you know it, and begin the next chapter of your life. The next few weeks' blogs will detail each step, discuss what your role is with your children during that step, and when to move onto the next step.
Step 1: Exhaust All OptionsOnce the news has presented itself, it is important to stop and ask yourself, "Have I done everything I possibly could to make this marriage work?" As counterintuitive as this is, it is a necessary first step in a healthy divorce (or reconciliation). Most commonly, exhausting all options means marriage counseling, which is a great place to start. Beyond this, did you follow through and complete the assignments that the marriage therapist gave you? Have you made your marriage your top priority? Have you listened to your spouse until you can understand why it is they are unhappy?
The key to this step is being committed to giving it a fair amount of time and effort. Often one spouse is asking for a divorce and the other spouse is either shocked by the news or in no way wants the divorce to happen. It is important for you, if you are the one wanting this divorce, to pause if your spouse is willing to keep trying and if that is at all possible for you. Get the help of a counselor or mediator to help you set ground rules, strategy, and a timeline for this phase.
NOTE: If your spouse is using intimidation, threats, or physical force to try and make you stay and work at the marriage, that is a sign to exit the relationship and get the help of a professional counselor in order to do that.
The Children:During this phase, it is important that as you work through your issues as a married couple, that you remember to be the best parent you can be when you're with your children. This also means that you do what you can for the other parent to be the best parent they can be when around the children. As one reconciliation client reflects back: "I had just asked for a divorce. We had a trip to Disneyland planned with his extended family and it was the last place I wanted to be, but I couldn't take that opportunity away from my children nor were we ready to include the in-laws in on our marital problems. So, we went. The kids were so excited. Our counselor advised us to remain focused on our children and to remember how much fun they could have and not let our own conflict get in the way of an experience of a lifetime for them."
Ready for the Next Step:
It's impossible to give an exact timeline for you to move on from exhausting all options. But, when you can answer "yes" to the question, have you done everything within your power to make this marriage work, or you feel comfortable and at peace with the decision to divorce, then it is time to move on. Also, if you are the spouse that is trying to keep this together regardless of exhausting all options, it is time for you to concede and move on as well. It's time for Step 2: Take Time to Uncouple.
Step 1: Exhaust All OptionsOnce the news has presented itself, it is important to stop and ask yourself, "Have I done everything I possibly could to make this marriage work?" As counterintuitive as this is, it is a necessary first step in a healthy divorce (or reconciliation). Most commonly, exhausting all options means marriage counseling, which is a great place to start. Beyond this, did you follow through and complete the assignments that the marriage therapist gave you? Have you made your marriage your top priority? Have you listened to your spouse until you can understand why it is they are unhappy?
The key to this step is being committed to giving it a fair amount of time and effort. Often one spouse is asking for a divorce and the other spouse is either shocked by the news or in no way wants the divorce to happen. It is important for you, if you are the one wanting this divorce, to pause if your spouse is willing to keep trying and if that is at all possible for you. Get the help of a counselor or mediator to help you set ground rules, strategy, and a timeline for this phase.
NOTE: If your spouse is using intimidation, threats, or physical force to try and make you stay and work at the marriage, that is a sign to exit the relationship and get the help of a professional counselor in order to do that.
The Children:During this phase, it is important that as you work through your issues as a married couple, that you remember to be the best parent you can be when you're with your children. This also means that you do what you can for the other parent to be the best parent they can be when around the children. As one reconciliation client reflects back: "I had just asked for a divorce. We had a trip to Disneyland planned with his extended family and it was the last place I wanted to be, but I couldn't take that opportunity away from my children nor were we ready to include the in-laws in on our marital problems. So, we went. The kids were so excited. Our counselor advised us to remain focused on our children and to remember how much fun they could have and not let our own conflict get in the way of an experience of a lifetime for them."
Ready for the Next Step:
It's impossible to give an exact timeline for you to move on from exhausting all options. But, when you can answer "yes" to the question, have you done everything within your power to make this marriage work, or you feel comfortable and at peace with the decision to divorce, then it is time to move on. Also, if you are the spouse that is trying to keep this together regardless of exhausting all options, it is time for you to concede and move on as well. It's time for Step 2: Take Time to Uncouple.
No comments:
Post a Comment