Reconciliation: Dream or Reality?

It is estimated that 70% of the divorces that occur are for problems that are solvable. According to research, the 30% where divorce is inevitable or necessary are due to abuse or other destructive behaviors in the marriage. To the 70%, this blog is for you!

It is fairly standard that one of the spouses wants the divorce and the other does not. It is also common that one person felt blind-sided by the news while the other felt as though it was coming and obvious for quite a while. Regardless, divorce has now entered the marital relationship. At this point, this far down the road, is divorce inevitable? Or, is there still a chance for reconciliation?

I don't have a magic formula for how to make reconciliation happen, but I can tell you that it does. So, what should you do if you are facing divorce, but hoping and believing in a reconciliation?

1. Go to marriage counseling. If your spouse is willing to even go for a few sessions, go to marriage counseling as soon as possible. Find a list of providers through your insurance company or get a referral from a friend. This is the ideal place to start. Even if your spouse will only go to talk about divorcing, that is fine. Just try to get there.

2. See a counselor for yourself. Most likely you are a wreck. You may be anxiety-ridden, not sleeping, or feeling depressed or trapped. Get a counselor to help you. You are going to need your strength, reason, and clarity to fight for your marriage and counseling will help you with that. Some mediators believe that it is the strength and confidence that comes with fighting for your marriage that is the exact thing that attracts your spouse back to you.

3. Take part in the divorce process. Yes, you read it right. It is important that you stay engaged and active in your marriage right now and this is where your marriage is at. Be an active participant in your marriage, wherever it is at. You have to walk the fine line of moving forward with divorce while hoping and believing that you will be reconciled. It takes emotional maturity to feel two conflicting emotions at the same time. Be engaged. Listen. Give suggestions. Think through the decisions fully. Hang in there.

4. Continue communicating with your spouse. Communication is key. Take what opportunities you do have to communicate, even if they are few or brief. Feel free to state that you are still going to fight for this marriage, but don't be surprised if you are met with rejection or resistance when you do. There are different schools of thoughts on this matter. Others say that you should not state this, but to just listen and hear out the other person about why they want to leave the marriage and affirm what they are saying and begin changing those things without argument. I have seen both approaches work. Whatever approach you take, it won't mean a thing if it's not sincere, so speak from your heart.

5. Mediate vs. Litigate. In order to accomplish #4. effectively, mediation is a must. Mediation is all about speaking directly to one another about the details of divorce. Litigation is all about talking through attorneys. Visit http://www.compassdivorce.com/ & http://compassdivorce.com/divorcecosts.htm to find more benefits of mediation to make your case if needed. Find a mediator that also does marriage reconciliation work. S/he will be better able to keep the door open for that possibility if they understand what is needed to make reconciliation happen.

6. Continue to be a friend. Through it all, even the separation, continue to be a friend to your spouse. Help him/her in a real way (moving, cooking, childcare, etc.), give support, offer empathy, be nonjudgmental, and refrain from criticism. Keep things platonic without any pressure for sex or love. I'm not saying this is going to be easy. Just be there and go through the muck with your mate.