Step 5: Map Your Future

I have a friend that is passionate about sailing. In the passing of a sailing book, it was discovered that he had highlighted the tip to bring green tomatoes on a voyage in order that they would not rot, but that they would be perfectly ripe when needed. While this has become a platform for endless teasing about his overly detailed planning, in reality, it makes sense. See, in sailing well, it's not only important to chart the course, but also to prepare for the quality of the entire journey.

It may not feel like it, but at some point your divorce journey will end and you will be moving on with your life. . . redefined. Many people make the mistake of waiting until that moment appears before pondering and planning what their future will be. Ask yourself and answer in detail: How do you want to look back on your divorce years from now? Many people say they wish they had acted differently and regret their actions. It's not that they wish they had been meaner, more competitive, or fought harder for more money. Those come naturally with the territory. During the divorce, couples often forget to factor in their own conduct and its consequences. Now is the time to map your future while you have a chance to directly affect it.

Chart Your Course
The aim of "Step 5: Map Your Future" is to reduce baggage and increase your quality of life after the divorce. The important part is having a picture of that in your mind and a discussion about it at the mediation table. The following course of action marks points to help gain clarity on how the decisions you make today will affect your quality of life (and your children’s) in the future.
Point A: AbilityHave the confidence that you have the ability to do divorce well! You are completely capable of doing this. It can be easy to get overwhelmed during the divorce process. You may feel like you are living in a state of the unknown and no control. The law is deciding for you, your spouse isn't agreeing with you, the kids are melting down, nothing is going the way you hoped or deserve!The anecdote for worry and fear is the belief that no matter what comes your way, you can handle it. You truly can handle this. I'm not saying it will be easy, but you definitely can do this.

Point B: Beyond Today
Think through your decisions and actions beyond today. Administer the 1-5-10 year test to your decisions and the approach you are taking with your divorce. How are the words and choices you are making today going to affect your children and spouse in one year, five years, or ten years? So many regrets and mistakes come from just not thinking things through. They also come from acting out of anger vs. responding from what hopes you have. Release your anger in the most healthy ways possible and apologize when you don't. Then, make your decisions based on your hopes for after the divorce, not the anger of today.

Point C: ConnectDivorce can be isolating if you let it. Focus on staying connected to your children, friends, and family. This will help you stay focused on what's truly important. Find support in friends, family, a counselor, and/or a divorce support group. Give yourself permission to laugh and enjoy life even though you may be grieving the loss of your marriage. Take time for yourself and your loved ones. Play with your children and know that you will always be their mom or dad.

Point D: Determine and Describe
Write down how you want to look back on your divorce using the 1-5-10 year test. In one year, five years, ten years, where would you like to see yourself? Even if you dream of reconciliation, focus on how you want your own self to be like at each of those points in the future. What job do you hope you be working? What home do you hope to be living in? What will time with your children look like? What will you do in your free time? Type out the answers or write them in a beautiful journal, or if you are visual, draw them in a sketchbook or clip magazines to create a collage of your future life.

For the Children
The points above relate to the children. In fact, believing and knowing what you want in the future is a gift to your children. The main focus should be staying connected to the children. Meet them in their world. Make efforts to understand what they are hoping for in the future. Ask your children what they hope for, what is important to them. It is crucial for your children to feel as though you "get" them, that you truly understand and have heard from them what they feel and think about the future. This divorce is happening to them too. Remember to factor them in.

What's Next?
Perhaps you're already into the divorce process and after reading this are regretting some of the decisions you made. Remember, hindsight is 20/20 and it's not too late to map a different course. Get more information and approach your spouse about doing it differently. You can settle your divorce outside of court and revisit any of these steps at any point to make corrections. It takes courage, but this is YOUR divorce after all. Make it one you can live with!