No matter how desperately you want out of your marriage or how badly you want to stay in the marriage, the time has come to uncouple. This is an important step. Couples can divorce, remarry, have more children in the new marriage and still are not uncoupled with their former spouse. Shocking isn't it? It happens. Upon separation, the rules of marriage no longer apply. You cannot rely on the assumed roles and rules that you have operated under for the years of your marriage.
To those that are wanting to get the divorce over quickly, remember to include your spouse in this process. You will have to practice patience to take the time to uncouple. To those that are wanting and believing in reconciliation, be careful, because by presenting your love to your spouse every chance you get, you will actually alienate them further. Nobody legitimately reconciled because the other person pushed their love on the other spouse. Take the time to uncouple and preserve your ability to communicate throughout the future.
What is Uncoupling?
When you are married, you and your spouse function as a couple in your personal life. In the home, the roles are distributed and assumed for: housekeeping, yard work, childcare, income, home repair, investing, bill paying, etc. Socially, you and your spouse are a couple with friends, attend functions as a couple, viewed as a couple by those in attendance. At work, you are uncoupled. Whether you work in or outside of the home, you work and interact with others as individuals. Even if co-workers know that you are married, they interact with you alone and know you better than your spouse. Uncoupling is the process of defining yourself as an individual in your personal life. New ground rules will have to be made and without the other spouse around, your role as parent and adult will have to expand.
The Four Areas of Uncoupling:
The following areas are the immediate areas that will need attention in the Uncoupling Step.
1. Financial:
Decide how bills will be paid and what assets can be liquidated if needed. Set a budget for both of you to cover costs for yourselves and the children during this transition. Do you need to discuss or inform the other spouse of purchases over a certain amount so that you don't end up overdrawn or with overdue bills? If you have left the marriage, it is important to communicate your new expenses and come to an agreement on how they will be covered.
2. Living Arrangements:
Who will live where and if one of you will rent space, then how much money can you allocate for that? Keep in mind that two household will be supported by your combined income now. What adjustments are needed as a result? Even if you don't want the divorce, you need to face the reality that bills still need to get paid. Do you need to get a job or a second job to make ends meet?
3. The Children:
Who will the children live with? How and what will you tell them about the divorce? Our mediation flat fee provides a counselor to help you and your spouse coordinate how to talk to your children about the separation and divorce as well as make the transition to co-parenting as successful as possible. If you don't have access to a counselor at mediation, find a child therapist that is familiar with the needs of divorce.
4. Your Relationship Redefined:
You are not married, but you aren't strangers either. I have yet to find a word that describes this new relationship you have. If you have children, co-parents is the best fit. It keeps you focused on what you have in common and the main reason you are in communication after divorce. If you don't have children, it may be your friends that bond you, co-friends is what you are, so to speak. (Suggestions for a word that works here are fully welcome!) Either way, take the time to have a conversation about how much personal contact and communication you want to have, what areas of life you will still need to be involved with each other, and what ground rules apply for those times of interaction and with mutual friends.
Respond vs. React to the Divorce
When we react to something, we are going from receiving information to action without thinking. This is the knee-jerk reaction. When we respond, we insert thought in between receiving the information and the action we take. It is time to stop reacting and start responding.
In the Uncoupling process, there are some clear psychological tasks in front of you.
1. QUESTIONS: You begin to deal with the questions like: "Can I live alone?" "What is my identity without this marriage?" "What am I if I am divorced?" It is this anxiety and despair that can push you into staying in a relationship that is no longer healthy or satisfactory.
2. STRONG FEELINGS: You are experiencing feelings like you never have before in your life. You are hopeless, full of rage, panicked, resentful, depressed and feel as if you are going crazy! This is normal. This stage of divorce has been described as a temporary state of insanity. You are not at your best self and often, don't feel like yourself at all nor do you recognize who your spouse has become. One of the most difficult feelings can be loneliness. You will have the task of reaching out to other to help with projects and spend some time with when your kids are away with the other parent.
3. YOUR IDENTITY: You may not be the person you were in this marriage. Marriage demands compromise and as our relationships prove to be more challenging, we bend even further to make them work. As you take time to uncouple, ask yourself who you are: What music do you like? What food is your favorite? What sports do you like? How do you like to spend your weekends? What do you really believe? Ask the small questions and ask the big ones too. Through experimenting and sorting your experiments into like & dislike, a new you will begin to appear.
Counseling is a great resource for you during the uncoupling stage. With emotions high and the search for your identity, counseling is an excellent way to resolve those issues. Going to counseling does not mean you are the problem or you are broken, it is just like going to an expert to cut your hair. Sure, you could do it on your own, but how many hours will it take you to learn to do it and how many mistakes will you need to make before you get it right? Start by committing to 4-6 sessions and then reevaluate if you want to continue. It can't hurt to give it a try. Can you really afford not to?
Part Two of Step 2 : Take Time to Uncouple will be coming this weekend. Until then, leave your comments and questions and remember to take your compass with you!
To those that are wanting to get the divorce over quickly, remember to include your spouse in this process. You will have to practice patience to take the time to uncouple. To those that are wanting and believing in reconciliation, be careful, because by presenting your love to your spouse every chance you get, you will actually alienate them further. Nobody legitimately reconciled because the other person pushed their love on the other spouse. Take the time to uncouple and preserve your ability to communicate throughout the future.
What is Uncoupling?
When you are married, you and your spouse function as a couple in your personal life. In the home, the roles are distributed and assumed for: housekeeping, yard work, childcare, income, home repair, investing, bill paying, etc. Socially, you and your spouse are a couple with friends, attend functions as a couple, viewed as a couple by those in attendance. At work, you are uncoupled. Whether you work in or outside of the home, you work and interact with others as individuals. Even if co-workers know that you are married, they interact with you alone and know you better than your spouse. Uncoupling is the process of defining yourself as an individual in your personal life. New ground rules will have to be made and without the other spouse around, your role as parent and adult will have to expand.
The Four Areas of Uncoupling:
The following areas are the immediate areas that will need attention in the Uncoupling Step.
1. Financial:
Decide how bills will be paid and what assets can be liquidated if needed. Set a budget for both of you to cover costs for yourselves and the children during this transition. Do you need to discuss or inform the other spouse of purchases over a certain amount so that you don't end up overdrawn or with overdue bills? If you have left the marriage, it is important to communicate your new expenses and come to an agreement on how they will be covered.
2. Living Arrangements:
Who will live where and if one of you will rent space, then how much money can you allocate for that? Keep in mind that two household will be supported by your combined income now. What adjustments are needed as a result? Even if you don't want the divorce, you need to face the reality that bills still need to get paid. Do you need to get a job or a second job to make ends meet?
3. The Children:
Who will the children live with? How and what will you tell them about the divorce? Our mediation flat fee provides a counselor to help you and your spouse coordinate how to talk to your children about the separation and divorce as well as make the transition to co-parenting as successful as possible. If you don't have access to a counselor at mediation, find a child therapist that is familiar with the needs of divorce.
4. Your Relationship Redefined:
You are not married, but you aren't strangers either. I have yet to find a word that describes this new relationship you have. If you have children, co-parents is the best fit. It keeps you focused on what you have in common and the main reason you are in communication after divorce. If you don't have children, it may be your friends that bond you, co-friends is what you are, so to speak. (Suggestions for a word that works here are fully welcome!) Either way, take the time to have a conversation about how much personal contact and communication you want to have, what areas of life you will still need to be involved with each other, and what ground rules apply for those times of interaction and with mutual friends.
Respond vs. React to the Divorce
When we react to something, we are going from receiving information to action without thinking. This is the knee-jerk reaction. When we respond, we insert thought in between receiving the information and the action we take. It is time to stop reacting and start responding.
In the Uncoupling process, there are some clear psychological tasks in front of you.
1. QUESTIONS: You begin to deal with the questions like: "Can I live alone?" "What is my identity without this marriage?" "What am I if I am divorced?" It is this anxiety and despair that can push you into staying in a relationship that is no longer healthy or satisfactory.
2. STRONG FEELINGS: You are experiencing feelings like you never have before in your life. You are hopeless, full of rage, panicked, resentful, depressed and feel as if you are going crazy! This is normal. This stage of divorce has been described as a temporary state of insanity. You are not at your best self and often, don't feel like yourself at all nor do you recognize who your spouse has become. One of the most difficult feelings can be loneliness. You will have the task of reaching out to other to help with projects and spend some time with when your kids are away with the other parent.
3. YOUR IDENTITY: You may not be the person you were in this marriage. Marriage demands compromise and as our relationships prove to be more challenging, we bend even further to make them work. As you take time to uncouple, ask yourself who you are: What music do you like? What food is your favorite? What sports do you like? How do you like to spend your weekends? What do you really believe? Ask the small questions and ask the big ones too. Through experimenting and sorting your experiments into like & dislike, a new you will begin to appear.
Counseling is a great resource for you during the uncoupling stage. With emotions high and the search for your identity, counseling is an excellent way to resolve those issues. Going to counseling does not mean you are the problem or you are broken, it is just like going to an expert to cut your hair. Sure, you could do it on your own, but how many hours will it take you to learn to do it and how many mistakes will you need to make before you get it right? Start by committing to 4-6 sessions and then reevaluate if you want to continue. It can't hurt to give it a try. Can you really afford not to?
Part Two of Step 2 : Take Time to Uncouple will be coming this weekend. Until then, leave your comments and questions and remember to take your compass with you!
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