Last week's blog focused on the uncoupling of spouses and the importance of doing so. Equally as important, is helping your children to uncouple effectively. It is so important that you give children information. What children do is create their own stories about why changes are happening in their life with them as the main character. If you are not getting in there and giving them the information in a way that they can understand it, their stories could be hurtful to their development or worse, tragic in a way that will take years of work for them to overcome.
Your kids are asking questions and you have your own explanations, but want to protect them from the information because you believe it is too painful for them to hear. Or perhaps, you believe that this is between you and your spouse and the two of you will handle it without putting this on the kids. The number one action you need to take is to talk to your children about the separation no matter what. This is their life and they know something big has changed. Do not put this talk off. It won't be better later. Do it now! I am shocked at how many parents will avoid this talk as well as how many will flippantly have this talk with the kids without any preparation or the other parent. This is a very important, defining moment for your kids and they desperately need you to present as a united front in passing this information.
Ideally, this talk will take place in your home, in a common room that the whole family uses, with both of you present. Take time as a couple to decide what you are going to say and determine together what the tone of the conversation will be. If needed, you can include a therapist as well to help if this is too much for you. In that case you would meet at the therapist's office. Which is fine. You need to have this talk. Find a way to have it in whatever way possible.
Map for the Talk
1. Determine what will change and what won't change for the children ahead of time and let them know about the differences and similarities when you talk with them. This will reassure the children as well as let them know what they can expect. This reduces anxiety and sadness generated by the unknown and decreases the need for them to create a story that is detrimental to themselves and their family.
2. Inform the kids that you and your spouse will continue to be capable of making decisions and being the authority figures that you have been. If communication has broken down and been tense for you and your spouse, acknowledge that fact (they already see and feel it) and state that you will be getting help to make that better (by working with a mediator or counselor). This will allow them to let go of that responsibility so that they can use their energy for school, activities, and relationships with friends and family instead of mediating and fixing the two of you.
3. Choose your words very carefully for your children's sake. Use neutral language. It doesn't matter what you believe about the divorce or whose fault it is, avoid blaming either one and present it to your precious children using the mutual problems you have (e.g. not getting along any more) or explain that both of you have worked hard on the marriage, but one or both of you feel there is too much damage to be repaired. Express how sad you are for them that this is the solution you have arrived at. You are going to have to put your children before yourself here. This step is often difficult for the parents. Avoid the temptation to win your children's approval or use words about one spouse "leaving us" by showing respect for your spouse's different needs or feelings.
4. Assure your children that they are in no way responsible for the divorce. This is adult stuff. Each of you tell them that they are loved, wanted, and cherished as the best things that have ever happened to you. For more clarification on this, follow this link: Kids Just Don't Understand
5. Give your children permission to love and find joy in their relationship with the other parent, even if you don't feel that the other parent deserves it. It is never okay to use the children to punish your spouse. When you discourage your children from enjoying the other parent as much as they enjoy you (or more at times), you are hurting your child, not your spouse. Smile and nod and then go scream into a pillow, but do not take that away from him/her.
6. Create a place in your homes for your children and tell them the schedule for time with each parent. Create a place filled with your children's things. Decide whether clothes will travel back and forth or if you will divide them among the homes. Personalize their bedroom with things specific to her/him. Encourage them to be a part of decorating their own sleeping space and decide which special items they would like to keep there.
7. Allow time for your children to ask questions and encourage them to express how they feel about the decisions and changes that have been happening in their family. Let them know it's okay to express anger, sadness, hurt or worry about the news and towards you. Say "I'm sorry" about the hurt that you are causing them and assure them that you still love them very much.
8. Tell them you will keep them informed of new developments and changes that are coming up as the divorce process continues. They shouldn't have to use their time and energy studying you and your spouse and eavesdropping on you while you talk with family or friends about the divorce. Keep them informed and keep this promise that you will continue to do so.
IMPORTANT NOTE: This talk is not a one time thing. Based on the individual needs of your children, you may have to revisit 1, 2, or all 7 above repeatedly until they are secure that they will still be cared for, loved, and secure in this new family situation. Be patient and steadfast in the above messages. Do not waiver. . .for their sake.
For a list of do's and don'ts on talking to your children about divorce, follow this link Talking To Your Children About Your Divorce.
Your kids are asking questions and you have your own explanations, but want to protect them from the information because you believe it is too painful for them to hear. Or perhaps, you believe that this is between you and your spouse and the two of you will handle it without putting this on the kids. The number one action you need to take is to talk to your children about the separation no matter what. This is their life and they know something big has changed. Do not put this talk off. It won't be better later. Do it now! I am shocked at how many parents will avoid this talk as well as how many will flippantly have this talk with the kids without any preparation or the other parent. This is a very important, defining moment for your kids and they desperately need you to present as a united front in passing this information.
Ideally, this talk will take place in your home, in a common room that the whole family uses, with both of you present. Take time as a couple to decide what you are going to say and determine together what the tone of the conversation will be. If needed, you can include a therapist as well to help if this is too much for you. In that case you would meet at the therapist's office. Which is fine. You need to have this talk. Find a way to have it in whatever way possible.
Map for the Talk
1. Determine what will change and what won't change for the children ahead of time and let them know about the differences and similarities when you talk with them. This will reassure the children as well as let them know what they can expect. This reduces anxiety and sadness generated by the unknown and decreases the need for them to create a story that is detrimental to themselves and their family.
2. Inform the kids that you and your spouse will continue to be capable of making decisions and being the authority figures that you have been. If communication has broken down and been tense for you and your spouse, acknowledge that fact (they already see and feel it) and state that you will be getting help to make that better (by working with a mediator or counselor). This will allow them to let go of that responsibility so that they can use their energy for school, activities, and relationships with friends and family instead of mediating and fixing the two of you.
3. Choose your words very carefully for your children's sake. Use neutral language. It doesn't matter what you believe about the divorce or whose fault it is, avoid blaming either one and present it to your precious children using the mutual problems you have (e.g. not getting along any more) or explain that both of you have worked hard on the marriage, but one or both of you feel there is too much damage to be repaired. Express how sad you are for them that this is the solution you have arrived at. You are going to have to put your children before yourself here. This step is often difficult for the parents. Avoid the temptation to win your children's approval or use words about one spouse "leaving us" by showing respect for your spouse's different needs or feelings.
4. Assure your children that they are in no way responsible for the divorce. This is adult stuff. Each of you tell them that they are loved, wanted, and cherished as the best things that have ever happened to you. For more clarification on this, follow this link: Kids Just Don't Understand
5. Give your children permission to love and find joy in their relationship with the other parent, even if you don't feel that the other parent deserves it. It is never okay to use the children to punish your spouse. When you discourage your children from enjoying the other parent as much as they enjoy you (or more at times), you are hurting your child, not your spouse. Smile and nod and then go scream into a pillow, but do not take that away from him/her.
6. Create a place in your homes for your children and tell them the schedule for time with each parent. Create a place filled with your children's things. Decide whether clothes will travel back and forth or if you will divide them among the homes. Personalize their bedroom with things specific to her/him. Encourage them to be a part of decorating their own sleeping space and decide which special items they would like to keep there.
7. Allow time for your children to ask questions and encourage them to express how they feel about the decisions and changes that have been happening in their family. Let them know it's okay to express anger, sadness, hurt or worry about the news and towards you. Say "I'm sorry" about the hurt that you are causing them and assure them that you still love them very much.
8. Tell them you will keep them informed of new developments and changes that are coming up as the divorce process continues. They shouldn't have to use their time and energy studying you and your spouse and eavesdropping on you while you talk with family or friends about the divorce. Keep them informed and keep this promise that you will continue to do so.
IMPORTANT NOTE: This talk is not a one time thing. Based on the individual needs of your children, you may have to revisit 1, 2, or all 7 above repeatedly until they are secure that they will still be cared for, loved, and secure in this new family situation. Be patient and steadfast in the above messages. Do not waiver. . .for their sake.
For a list of do's and don'ts on talking to your children about divorce, follow this link Talking To Your Children About Your Divorce.
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