When the decision to divorce is made, your relationship with your spouse changes from intimate to something different where the label of friend or enemy doesn’t really fit what now remains. It is at this time that it is important to: 1) establish a commitment to remain productive, 2) define what you want your future relationship with your spouse to look like, 3) regulate contact with your divorcing spouse at a level that you can manage emotionally, and 4) surround yourself with people that are supportive of your cooperative approach to divorce.
Cooperation can be defined as the process of working or acting together or the alternative to working separately in competition. A healthy divorce requires a give and take attitude.
At the same time, the logic and reason in your mind is likely at war with your emotions of pain and anger. It is important to acknowledge and manage your feelings in a way that allows your reason and strong self to be present while making important decisions related to the divorce. Practically speaking, your schedule will need to be adjusted for you to have some time to address the divorce legally and emotionally. Step 3 urges you to take the time to think through your conduct during the divorce process from beginning to end in order to set yourself up for the success you deserve.
Commit to Productivity
In order to be productive in meetings with your spouse, you will need to commit to behavior that will lead to these results. It can be excruciatingly difficult to maintain self-control when talking about the details of divorce with your spouse. You may want to scream, forfeit, leave, reject, torture, or hurt your spouse. Do not let your anger get the better of you. When you apologize for harsh words spoken, or pause and put the children's interests first, you are making a healthy choice that will serve you and everyone in the family best for years to come. It is about making a joint commitment to not allowing communication to break down and result into a adversarial debate of what is fair and who deserves more. It's willing to say: no matter how bad this separation gets, I (we) will not go to court. Put your mediation on hold for some time and if needed, write out a statement signed by both of you stating that you will handle this with dignity outside of court.
Redefine the Relationship
Start by describing the ideal relationship you would like to have with your former spouse once all of this divorce business is over, even if it seems impossible now. Write this down. It can be one sentence, or in detail. Times can get rough. This description of what you hope for serves as a good reminder of why you are working together instead of fighting it out in court. By working together now, you will be able to uncouple and redefine your relationship more effectively than if you were working separately in competition.
Regulate Contact
If you begin to feel like your emotions are overtaking your judgment, take a break and check in with your feelings. What are you feeling and why? What can you do to take care of yourself? Give yourself permission to say "I can't do this right now. We'll finish this conversation another time (within the next 24 hours)." And then, initiate the conversation within 24 hours. This is important because if you took the time you needed, you need to be responsible for opening up the discussion again. You can't cut the conversation off and leave the other person guessing as to when you will be ready again. That sets them up for failure. Contact him/her even if to say, "Here's what I know_________, and that is why I am still not ready. I can be ready on (day)." Just make sure the conversation happens in a timely manner. Talk with your spouse about implementing this 24-hour policy.
Surround Yourself
There are too many people doing the best thing for their family and themselves by divorcing with dignity outside of court that are not getting support from their friends and family. First, to those that are mediating instead of battling, your friends and family are allowed to take sides and should take sides (yours mainly), they want to protect and love you. However, they also need to trust you and support your choice and knowledge of the situation from an insider's view. You need people or a person that will help you prepare for mediation sessions and not tell you to get an attorney every time this is difficult for you. That is not a solution, but a distraction. You can do this! You are fully capable, along with 75% of other divorcing adults, to divorce outside of court, maintain communication, reduce the emotional costs and increase your financial award by not paying it to an attorney! Unfortunately, litigation and battling is still the The Face of Divorce and they are telling what they know their experience to be. You have chosen another path. A path that many say they wish they had taken when they were in your shoes. If you have to get a counselor to be that supportive person, get a counselor.
The Children
All of the above topics trickle down to benefit your children. By managing your emotions and improving your communication with your divorcing spouse, you are creating a new normal, stable family for your children. Being stable is about predictability. If your children are acting out now, they have responded to the unpredictability and inconsistency of the environment that naturally comes with the changes of separation and divorce. Creating the foundation here for a new normal is key for their future well-being.
Ready for the Next Step
The next step addresses making those final decisions about how to divorce, when to divorce, divisions of property and finance, and parenting time (custody). Check yourself this week to make sure you have walked through Step 1, 2, and 3 and revisit things you may have missed before moving forward.
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