You've done what you could to make your marriage work. You've started the difficult work of uncoupling and informing to your children in "Step 2." And in "Step 3," you've laid the foundation for a healthy, successful divorce. Now it's time to make decisions and develop a strategy. The beginning of having a conscious strategy is identifying your intentions in this divorce. This is the conscious part. Then, develop a plan of action for your divorce. The plan will be your guide as you go through the divorce process.
Identify Your Intentions:
Here are a few questions to getting you started:
1. How do you want to look back on this divorce five years down the road?
2. When you talk about your divorce to other people what do you want to be saying?
3. What do you want for your children?
4. Are you the best parent to raise your child(ren)?
5. Who do you want to be in this divorce? Are you who you always said you would be?
Develop A Strategy
How will you turn your intentions into outcomes? The reality is that you have to participate in a legal process in order to become divorced. Intentions are not enough. You need a strategy. This requires knowing your options. Get more information about divorce and alternatives to divorcing in court. Most couples cannot afford the cost of a court divorce with two attorneys (http://compassdivorce.com/divorcecosts.htm). Once your attorneys are paid off, there is little money left for you to begin your future.
Here are your basic options. You can use each one alone or combine them for a custom approach to your divorce:
1. DIY or Pro Se: You and your spouse can make the decisions together and then complete the required paperwork on your own. Or, make the decisions yourself and then have a professional help you complete or complete the court document(s) for you.Instructions and paperwork can be found at: http://www.state.ak.us/courts/forms.htm#dr-1 Or, go pro se and represent yourself in court as your own attorney.
2. Mediation: A 3rd party neutral helps you to address and resolve the decisions that need to be made for a divorce. This is a popular approach to divorcing outside of court. It allows you and your spouse to decide what will work for you within legal limits. Follow these links for more information: The Face of Divorce http://www.mediate.com/
3. Arbitration: Often a retired judge or attorney that has specialized training will hear both your sides and what you want, then the arbitrator will make a decision and the parties agree to accept that decision. This is done outside of court.
4. Collaborative Law/Divorce: Work with attorneys and other experts as a team to complete your divorce outside of court. It's the most expensive approach to divorce outside of court, but has many of the same benefits of other approaches that keep divorce outside of court. Check out this link for more information: http://www.collaborativepractice.com/
5. Litigation: Both spouses hire attorneys and go through the courts for the entire divorce. This is the traditional view of divorce in our country. For more information, see The Face of Divorce and http://compassdivorce.com/divorcecosts.htm . See your yellow pages or get a referral from a friend for an attorney.
Questions to help you choose a strategy that meets your intentions:1. Can you reach an amicable settlement out of court?
2. Do you have enough evidence to win?
3. How much damage emotionally will your child endure from suing for custody?
4. How much damage will your child endure if you don't sue for custody?
5. Will the other parent(s) always be difficult?
6. Will your spouse change for the benefit of the child because you are suing for custody?
7. Can you afford to sue for custody?
Children: The Healthy Basis For Your Conscious Strategy
Consider the following paradigm shifts (or realizations) from http://www.uptoparents.org/ that tend to occur in divorcing couples as they go through the process that can help in identifying your intentions and developing a strategy.
1. Maybe this isn't a competition between us, but instead the ultimate call to cooperation for our children’s sake.
2. Maybe our issues aren't so much legal as personal, emotional, and parental.
3. Maybe our love for our children will be a better guide for us than our legal rights or litigation.
4. Maybe we have been so consumed with our own hurt and fear that our children’s real needs have been largely invisible to us.
5. Maybe our children are suffering as a result of our conflict—and in ways that we haven't noticed.
6. Regardless of what they say to appease each of us, maybe what our children really want and need is a restrained, predictable, and cooperative relationship between their parents.
7. Instead of being threatened by my children's good relationships with their other parent, maybe I actually have a vital interest in supporting those relationships.
8. Maybe my failure to acknowledge and deal with my grief has helped drive our conflict.
9. Maybe we can succeed only by partnering to protect our children.
10. Maybe our children require us to have even better communication and cooperation now that we’re separated.
11. Maybe there are about ten specific skills I can master to protect my children and myself.
12. Maybe my co-parent’s slips are reason for me to be heroically restrained, not to add to conflict.
13. Maybe activities as basic as admiring and enjoying my children can help me succeed.
14. Maybe there are specific things I can do, regardless of what my co-parent does.
15. Maybe the failure of our intimate/marital relationship is no reason for us to fail in a co-parenting relationship.
Identify Your Intentions:
Here are a few questions to getting you started:
1. How do you want to look back on this divorce five years down the road?
2. When you talk about your divorce to other people what do you want to be saying?
3. What do you want for your children?
4. Are you the best parent to raise your child(ren)?
5. Who do you want to be in this divorce? Are you who you always said you would be?
Develop A Strategy
How will you turn your intentions into outcomes? The reality is that you have to participate in a legal process in order to become divorced. Intentions are not enough. You need a strategy. This requires knowing your options. Get more information about divorce and alternatives to divorcing in court. Most couples cannot afford the cost of a court divorce with two attorneys (http://compassdivorce.com/divorcecosts.htm). Once your attorneys are paid off, there is little money left for you to begin your future.
Here are your basic options. You can use each one alone or combine them for a custom approach to your divorce:
1. DIY or Pro Se: You and your spouse can make the decisions together and then complete the required paperwork on your own. Or, make the decisions yourself and then have a professional help you complete or complete the court document(s) for you.Instructions and paperwork can be found at: http://www.state.ak.us/courts/forms.htm#dr-1 Or, go pro se and represent yourself in court as your own attorney.
2. Mediation: A 3rd party neutral helps you to address and resolve the decisions that need to be made for a divorce. This is a popular approach to divorcing outside of court. It allows you and your spouse to decide what will work for you within legal limits. Follow these links for more information: The Face of Divorce http://www.mediate.com/
3. Arbitration: Often a retired judge or attorney that has specialized training will hear both your sides and what you want, then the arbitrator will make a decision and the parties agree to accept that decision. This is done outside of court.
4. Collaborative Law/Divorce: Work with attorneys and other experts as a team to complete your divorce outside of court. It's the most expensive approach to divorce outside of court, but has many of the same benefits of other approaches that keep divorce outside of court. Check out this link for more information: http://www.collaborativepractice.com/
5. Litigation: Both spouses hire attorneys and go through the courts for the entire divorce. This is the traditional view of divorce in our country. For more information, see The Face of Divorce and http://compassdivorce.com/divorcecosts.htm . See your yellow pages or get a referral from a friend for an attorney.
Questions to help you choose a strategy that meets your intentions:1. Can you reach an amicable settlement out of court?
2. Do you have enough evidence to win?
3. How much damage emotionally will your child endure from suing for custody?
4. How much damage will your child endure if you don't sue for custody?
5. Will the other parent(s) always be difficult?
6. Will your spouse change for the benefit of the child because you are suing for custody?
7. Can you afford to sue for custody?
Children: The Healthy Basis For Your Conscious Strategy
Consider the following paradigm shifts (or realizations) from http://www.uptoparents.org/ that tend to occur in divorcing couples as they go through the process that can help in identifying your intentions and developing a strategy.
1. Maybe this isn't a competition between us, but instead the ultimate call to cooperation for our children’s sake.
2. Maybe our issues aren't so much legal as personal, emotional, and parental.
3. Maybe our love for our children will be a better guide for us than our legal rights or litigation.
4. Maybe we have been so consumed with our own hurt and fear that our children’s real needs have been largely invisible to us.
5. Maybe our children are suffering as a result of our conflict—and in ways that we haven't noticed.
6. Regardless of what they say to appease each of us, maybe what our children really want and need is a restrained, predictable, and cooperative relationship between their parents.
7. Instead of being threatened by my children's good relationships with their other parent, maybe I actually have a vital interest in supporting those relationships.
8. Maybe my failure to acknowledge and deal with my grief has helped drive our conflict.
9. Maybe we can succeed only by partnering to protect our children.
10. Maybe our children require us to have even better communication and cooperation now that we’re separated.
11. Maybe there are about ten specific skills I can master to protect my children and myself.
12. Maybe my co-parent’s slips are reason for me to be heroically restrained, not to add to conflict.
13. Maybe activities as basic as admiring and enjoying my children can help me succeed.
14. Maybe there are specific things I can do, regardless of what my co-parent does.
15. Maybe the failure of our intimate/marital relationship is no reason for us to fail in a co-parenting relationship.
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